Nikola- Paradise Lost

Nikola

2-3-13

"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me..."

When I learned of emotions, I promised myself that I would not let my life be ruled by them, as others have let happen. 

They are all miserable.

Look at me, now; come to join them. Joined them ages ago... My heart is wounded, so suddenly. And there is not one single thing that I can do about it.

Last night was Nameless and Aranis's wedding. Cambion had the gall to go on and possess Denzel's body, causing a great stir. He had Denzel claiming that he loved Aranis, and I watched, intently, as there came a rapid flash of thought reflected in Aranis's eyes; he was fooled, and swayed, and Nameless noticed, and I could literally see his heart drop to the barren pit of his stomach. I do not care greatly for him, but I felt every pain in that moment as he did. It took a lot for me not to go up there and tell both Aranis and Cambion off for their idiocy. No longer am I in a position to provoke immortals. In moments, the air surrounding settled, and Aranis and Nameless kissed, and travelled down the aisle together. In a rush, Nameless threw the bouquet of thorned red and white roses, crowned with precious baby's breath; and I felt stinging on my face in a heartbeat. It was as if the idea that my only chance of marriage has been spoiled; and thrown right in my face. I later took that bouquet, and left it at Nemo's door. He told me that he adores roses, a few days ago. He told me that roses were the first thing that had ever made him bleed.

"All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken."

I spent the night at Trancy manor, as I am friends with Myka and Johanna, who are in a happy relationship. I slept between them in their bed, and early in the morning, I took it upon myself to sneak away and discover for myself the ruins of Gabriel's abandoned laboratory. In a bitter rush of emotions and thoughts, he burned away nearly every bit of it just before he was imprisoned in Hell. I took what was left- seared journals and inventions- and stuffed them in my backpack. I stayed until ten this morning, and then took my leave.

It was nearly four, and I had spent my hours away in the stables, studying and repairing Gabriel's work, when Nemo found me. We spent the day in London, and I stole a woman's wedding ring in a church, just to get at a diamond to complete an improved prototype of the age reverter; converter, rather, this time around. I aged to eighteen, simply to experiment; to ensure that my memory will not fade from me. I stayed with Nemo, until he fell asleep, around eleven; God above, however despicable he may be, knows that I will never feel at home, anywhere that Nemo goes.

I have spent so much time with him as of late that it does not feel right. I regret it, but my heart aches every time that he mentions Levi. I cannot help it. I am so in love with Nemo. He will never be mine. I will not make him mine. He is happy, as far as I am concerned. And I, am in so much pain, meant to be alone, longing. Oh, but I want him happy as can be. That pain, though, I know, is the most satisfaction that I will ever have, even if Hell freezes over and he suddenly decides that he loves me. My heart is shattered and bleeding, but, God- it feels so good. 

Levi once said that I do not know what love is.

I know what it is.

"I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise."

Nemo becoming attached to me, however, annoys me, and scares me. It does not feel right. He is very selfish with me, and he said today, that he thinks that I like it. I don't. I do not know what goes through his mind, but it is cruel, and even though he knows how I feel, I cannot tell him off for it. He certainly has me tied around his finger. In my line of work, as a poet, one is lucky if he retains even a fragment of his soul. Nemo has what is left of mine. My chaste passion for him burns within me like a wildfire. However damaged it bids my heart to become, life always arises from the ashes. As a phoenix, I know this, even if, as a very young boy, I hexed myself so that I cannot evade true Death.

That aside, back in the stables, I was found, this time, by Genesis. Now, the fallen angel is not very fond of me, or, so he says. I had previously suggested to him, that he join my parents in their bed; because my father complained that his relationship with Sebastian is quite losing its 'spark.' On the topic of my mother, I dislike him, but I have realised how very much I am like him; not solely in my new-found appearance, but in mannerisms, mentality, and matters of love. After nearly a century and a half, he is still so profoundly in love with my father, and it is, in my own eyes, something beautiful; and it is one of the few things that I admire my mother for. But, it seems, that my father does not appreciate this love, and it annoys me to some extent. It makes me fearful of love. I would, in a relationship, be in Sebastian's position; and if ever I gain a lover, I fear that they will be like my father. I do love my father very much, but he is sometimes so selfish, and juvenile. One would think that he would mature some after all that he has been through, and after so long. No such luck. In fact, the child stowed away the bones of his ex-fianceé beneath the bed, and between him, Sebastian, and Genesis, there was trouble. I heard, though, that my parents made up last night. What a relief... until next time.

But, naturally, when Genesis suggested having a night with my parents to Sebastian, Sebastian was quick to turn him down. So, to me, comes a rejected and eager Genesis, with a plush rooster in hand as a reference to a joke I had made of him. When he discovered my new guise, he called me 'dashing,' and pulled me up into his lap. He played with my hair, nibbled at my shoulder, and spoke sweetly. I let him get away with it, telling myself that it was harmless. His hands greedily, though, found their way to my backside, and something snapped within me. I was suddenly terrified; aside a broken heart, the worst feeling in the world to me is the feeling of fear. I visibly started to tremble, and I told Genesis not to touch me. But the topic of sex became further discussed, and I found myself nearly as terrified as the day that I was raped.

I could feel his erection pressing hard against my backside. I imagined it within me. All the pain, the sharp feeling of my body as it longed to split into half, the roughness of lustful humping, the agony of bony hips slamming against my only-human flesh. I wanted to vomit, to scream, to kill him, to run. I want my body to myself. Only to myself. He called me his Nikola. I belong to no one. Only to myself. I told him. Nobody may ever touch me. I trust no one to let them. I never intend to.

"As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise."

Oh, /God/, and then I could take it no longer. I felt like such a coward, and damn my pride...

No matter had I ran, or stayed, I could not salvage that pride. Had I ran, I'd have been a coward. I molted myself of my pride this night; I let Genesis in my mouth, and I relieved him of his tensions, and I sullied myself. I kneel to no one... Oh, but, I knelt to a former archangel, high on libido unmatched by any other being currently in existence... or something.

Silly me.

All the while, I felt ill. I thought of Nemo. Not sexually, I simply thought of him. Innocently as a child in love... because, that is what I am. I thought, also, why do I protect my body so? I have been ruined. I am human now. Mortal. What am I truly worth? If I do not find a way in this short life to return to what I once was, I will die one day. I will only be Nemo's meal. I told him today- 'Nemo, I don't want to die.' I told him, ' ...And I hope that we always will be best friends. I want my throne back. I decided that I'd be jealous, if I was replaced. When- and I will- I rule, I want you to be there by my side. As captain of the guard, that is. If I do not promote you.'

In the city today, I told Nemo that we ought to go shopping for his birthday gift, but he could not think of anything that he wanted. I was intent, though, on getting him something, because he has done so much for me, and because I truly do not believe he will have time for me on his birthday; and I will keep far away on Valentine's day. He wound up telling me that what he wanted was for me to be a demon again, by the sixth. He wants to go off and tell Keaira to make me as such again. He does not care to understand that Keaira hates me, and that he'd expect something in return. I am afraid that if he 'helps,' as Nemo puts it, that I will certainly wind up dead, or suffering greatly.

I must certainly find Moira; the monster that I created, and put an end to her and her ambitious greed and foolishness. And I must certainly return to my little daughter and give her all my sorries and love, and succeed, for once, in raising something. I will not let myself become a failure, no matter what.

I thought of Nemo tonight, and I could think only of his smile. I told him once, that if all was left of him was his smile, he would still be the most respectable being that I know; and I do not lie about such things.

Genesis sat with me when he had calmed, and he stroked my hair, and held me close to his warm body. I imagined that he was Nemo. And that is why I took it upon myself to so quickly push him away.

What have I done with myself?

"Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time

and now, I'm lost in paradise..."

I have an idea of how to fix myself all up- because, according to Nemo, I am a very broken person- even if I am not exactly up for it. Nor do I think myself capable in my current state... Feeble, frail, as porcelain. I like, though, to pretend that I am very strong and great, and worthwhile. I do not know how things will work out, but, I suppose that is for the future to reveal...

I galloped away on my horse, no saddle, nor reigns, when Genesis departed, and I let myself cry into her velveteen neck. It felt nice, to weep, after so long. It is no difficult thing to call tears to my own eyes, but very rarely are they real.

Now, I have returned; and I am ready for whatever cards tomorrow may deal me...Tell me, though...

Why have my eyes now become so dark?

"Alone... 
And lost in paradise..."

Nikola- 'Loser'

"Do what you, what you want, if you have a dream for betterDo what you, what you want, 'til you don't want it anymore;Remember who you really are...
Do what you, what you want, your world's closing in on you now;It isn't overStand and face the unknownGot to remember who you really areEvery heart in my hand is like a pale reflection..."

I am fearless.

I was fearless...

Once, when I was blinded by a child's eyes, and I was beautiful. The innocence of youth; so bright in the sun beams; the only reason that life exists, so that we might have memories of our ignorance. So that we continue to make ourselves corrupted... 

I am not the most fortunate of people, but I am still as unafraid as I was in my innocence. I am constantly ready to have fun. To cause as much trouble as I possibly can. To live my life to the fullest, even if that life was meant to last for eternity.

Now I no longer have eternity.

I no longer possess the physical strength that might have ensured that eternity. I am more ready than ever before to just live, despite any misery that may prey upon my soul.

I know that my soul is worth it.

"Do what you, what you want, you don't have to lay your life down;
It isn't over
Do what you, what you want, 'til you find what you're looking for;
Got to remember who you really are
But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you..."

I have been raped. I have fallen into a love, unrequited. I have given up my place as the rightful heir to Hell. I have become mortal. I have lost the confidence to raise a daughter. I have been imprisoned by my own mother. I have nearly met my own death so many times that I've now lost count. I have over and over and over again purposely caused myself trouble and have made stupid decisions just for my own entertainment. But, God, I am so chronically ill from losing...

But is that not what living is? Is that not the only was to possess a satisfying life? I do not care if I suddenly die, but that is not to say that I wish for my own death. There are times, as listed above, where I do give up- but I do move on. I do not like to dwell on much.

There are two things that provoke me, more now than ever before: My own mortality and my heart.

It is no easy task to keep a secret among my family. Certainly, by now, everyone at Phantomhive is aware of my love for Nemo. No one really cares to know it; those who do frown upon it. I know that Nemo does not care either, for he knows; Lachrimae had my collection of poems, and read aloud the poem that I had written regarding my feelings for Nemo and for my own life; and Nemo stuck around to listen after he had promised me not to read that journal. I do not particularly care that he knows, nor do I feel upset that he does not care for my affections toward him. 

My love for him seems odd compared to what love I have observed among others. I have loved him for as long as I can remember; perhaps not in the same way as I now do, but it certainly grew to this very rapidly. I have figured that he must have simply appeared in my life, when I needed somebody the very most. Of course, I had my father to go to, but my father...  can only understand so much. He is selfish and rash, but I love him nonetheless. Nemo is the same, in some ways... 

He refuses to let me die, but if I stay human forever- and Sebastian and I have not found a solution as of yet- I will have to die eventually. I told him that when that does happen, he may have my soul, and he agreed that he would have it. I sometimes wish that he would have let me die, that very first time that I was so severely injured... Because I know I will cause so much more trouble for him in my future. The near future, to be exact. I have already stabbed him. What else will I do to him?

"There's still time, close your eyes,
only Love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul, 'til we crash
We're forever spiraling down, down,
down..."


I've spent the past four or five nights with him. I have been ill, and now I am human and do not think it would be very safe for me to return to the cottage that he built me, alone. I claim constantly that I can protect myself, but I know that Nemo is right when he says that I am physically incapable of defending myself against any immortal now.I know that I will have to leave again, soon, or I may cause problems with Levi; who happens to be Nemo's boyfriend. He is jealous of me, and I do not understand why. I do not plan on stealing Nemo from him. I simply love Nemo. I do not care if he loves me in return. It is all that I live for, I've decided at the point, is to love him. I understand that that seems foolish, indeed, but only fools fall in love, after all... 

I do not want a relationship with Nemo. Mutual love becomes a bore after some time, as I have learned, and if not a bore, it leads to heartbreak and betrayal. As long as Nemo is happy, then, I am, too. I spoke to Elias not very long ago, and I perhaps should not have told him such things. of all people (he is Levi's father), but I said:

"Elias, I only want so badly to lie down next to him on the settee, to wrap my arms around him, and sleep. Not fuck, like in those films. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lack quality enough for him, and he has a boyfriend, and I am gawky, and he is gorgeous, and I am hopelessly dull, and he is endlessly fascinating. When I am alone, I think, that if people were fire, I am a pile of embers in a pit, and he is the sun, my second star to the right, shining."

I did not say all of that to him, exactly, but I wanted to. I laugh, now, at how silly and hopeless it all sounds. 

The thought that I might die someday, without having the chance to ever rule Hell rightfully, or to ever be happily married, to ever leave Nemo behind in Eternity, is not the nicest of thoughts; It may bother me now, but it does not sway me to give up my stubborn ways. 

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain, there must be a way to believe..."

I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am in the grandest place in the world, in innocent love. I figure life's a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count. In that way, you become great. You make a name, a legacy for yourself. You will be remembered when you are long gone, only a handful of silvery ashes like stardust, carried away by the hands of night in her wake, always left with something to dream. And, oh, how I dream... 

My name is Nikola. Remember it well. 

"Hello, hello; It's only me,
infecting everything you Love...
Somewhere beyond the pain,
there must be a way to learn Forgiveness."