Nikola- 'Loser'

"Do what you, what you want, if you have a dream for betterDo what you, what you want, 'til you don't want it anymore;Remember who you really are...
Do what you, what you want, your world's closing in on you now;It isn't overStand and face the unknownGot to remember who you really areEvery heart in my hand is like a pale reflection..."

I am fearless.

I was fearless...

Once, when I was blinded by a child's eyes, and I was beautiful. The innocence of youth; so bright in the sun beams; the only reason that life exists, so that we might have memories of our ignorance. So that we continue to make ourselves corrupted... 

I am not the most fortunate of people, but I am still as unafraid as I was in my innocence. I am constantly ready to have fun. To cause as much trouble as I possibly can. To live my life to the fullest, even if that life was meant to last for eternity.

Now I no longer have eternity.

I no longer possess the physical strength that might have ensured that eternity. I am more ready than ever before to just live, despite any misery that may prey upon my soul.

I know that my soul is worth it.

"Do what you, what you want, you don't have to lay your life down;
It isn't over
Do what you, what you want, 'til you find what you're looking for;
Got to remember who you really are
But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you..."

I have been raped. I have fallen into a love, unrequited. I have given up my place as the rightful heir to Hell. I have become mortal. I have lost the confidence to raise a daughter. I have been imprisoned by my own mother. I have nearly met my own death so many times that I've now lost count. I have over and over and over again purposely caused myself trouble and have made stupid decisions just for my own entertainment. But, God, I am so chronically ill from losing...

But is that not what living is? Is that not the only was to possess a satisfying life? I do not care if I suddenly die, but that is not to say that I wish for my own death. There are times, as listed above, where I do give up- but I do move on. I do not like to dwell on much.

There are two things that provoke me, more now than ever before: My own mortality and my heart.

It is no easy task to keep a secret among my family. Certainly, by now, everyone at Phantomhive is aware of my love for Nemo. No one really cares to know it; those who do frown upon it. I know that Nemo does not care either, for he knows; Lachrimae had my collection of poems, and read aloud the poem that I had written regarding my feelings for Nemo and for my own life; and Nemo stuck around to listen after he had promised me not to read that journal. I do not particularly care that he knows, nor do I feel upset that he does not care for my affections toward him. 

My love for him seems odd compared to what love I have observed among others. I have loved him for as long as I can remember; perhaps not in the same way as I now do, but it certainly grew to this very rapidly. I have figured that he must have simply appeared in my life, when I needed somebody the very most. Of course, I had my father to go to, but my father...  can only understand so much. He is selfish and rash, but I love him nonetheless. Nemo is the same, in some ways... 

He refuses to let me die, but if I stay human forever- and Sebastian and I have not found a solution as of yet- I will have to die eventually. I told him that when that does happen, he may have my soul, and he agreed that he would have it. I sometimes wish that he would have let me die, that very first time that I was so severely injured... Because I know I will cause so much more trouble for him in my future. The near future, to be exact. I have already stabbed him. What else will I do to him?

"There's still time, close your eyes,
only Love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul, 'til we crash
We're forever spiraling down, down,
down..."


I've spent the past four or five nights with him. I have been ill, and now I am human and do not think it would be very safe for me to return to the cottage that he built me, alone. I claim constantly that I can protect myself, but I know that Nemo is right when he says that I am physically incapable of defending myself against any immortal now.I know that I will have to leave again, soon, or I may cause problems with Levi; who happens to be Nemo's boyfriend. He is jealous of me, and I do not understand why. I do not plan on stealing Nemo from him. I simply love Nemo. I do not care if he loves me in return. It is all that I live for, I've decided at the point, is to love him. I understand that that seems foolish, indeed, but only fools fall in love, after all... 

I do not want a relationship with Nemo. Mutual love becomes a bore after some time, as I have learned, and if not a bore, it leads to heartbreak and betrayal. As long as Nemo is happy, then, I am, too. I spoke to Elias not very long ago, and I perhaps should not have told him such things. of all people (he is Levi's father), but I said:

"Elias, I only want so badly to lie down next to him on the settee, to wrap my arms around him, and sleep. Not fuck, like in those films. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lack quality enough for him, and he has a boyfriend, and I am gawky, and he is gorgeous, and I am hopelessly dull, and he is endlessly fascinating. When I am alone, I think, that if people were fire, I am a pile of embers in a pit, and he is the sun, my second star to the right, shining."

I did not say all of that to him, exactly, but I wanted to. I laugh, now, at how silly and hopeless it all sounds. 

The thought that I might die someday, without having the chance to ever rule Hell rightfully, or to ever be happily married, to ever leave Nemo behind in Eternity, is not the nicest of thoughts; It may bother me now, but it does not sway me to give up my stubborn ways. 

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain, there must be a way to believe..."

I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am in the grandest place in the world, in innocent love. I figure life's a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count. In that way, you become great. You make a name, a legacy for yourself. You will be remembered when you are long gone, only a handful of silvery ashes like stardust, carried away by the hands of night in her wake, always left with something to dream. And, oh, how I dream... 

My name is Nikola. Remember it well. 

"Hello, hello; It's only me,
infecting everything you Love...
Somewhere beyond the pain,
there must be a way to learn Forgiveness."