Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls
Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls
In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone?"
Since the day I was born on this Earth, I have strived for things I knew I could never reach- I could only ever come so close.
That never stopped me from trying.
Being thrust from my place in Heaven changed that and I give up. But I suppose everyone has already guessed that, correct? Yes. Correct.
I could have had a family. When I think back to that time where the word almost only mad me hope more, it hurts, because "almost" now, makes me think of what can never be now that I've ruined it. Like a shattered vase, I can always try to piece my life back together, the bonds that were broken; but the glue would be cheap, and surely, the vase would only fall to pieces again. And so, what really is the point in trying? What good will it really do in the end? And what would make me think I was good enough for them? Their trust? I cannot even trust myself now, because look at what I've done. I steal away hope. I wreak havoc in my very wake. And since when did I start lying?
Since that lying, selfish, dead, superior being decided that I was worthy enough to enter His realm- and then, upon realizing I was frightened of the afterlife, mistook my fear as ungratefullness, and tossed me back down here like a wad of useless rubbish; when I needed His comfort. Now, where is the hope in that? Where is hope on broken wings, do you think?
"On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long."
Riley was chasing after his dog yesterday and just so happened to come into my neighborhood, and I invited him into my house, because he's my friend after all. I trust him- in fact, he's the only person I can confide in any more, and I am grateful for his companionship. But I do wonder if he really knows this... I wish he would believe me when I tell him.
Words were said, and things were done. But lies were not told. Lies never accomplish anything... Or so I've learned.
We spoke for a while, about ravens and writing desks, and I gave him peanut butter- and then, he asked me, "L, do you still like... Light?"
And I thought for a very long time.
"I hate him, and I love him." I said. "There were always times I wished he would get out of my skin. And he's been dead so long now, burning in Hell; a befitting punishment for a psychotic mass murderer..."
He shot me a cold glare, though I could tell he had not intended to do so. He's jealous, I know, even if I'm not really a "people person." I thought it was obvious...
I continued. "It doesn't matter now. He's dead. I'm dead. No one trusts me anymore. I don't work. I don't fight for justice. I simply sit here with each passing day, gradually, disgustingly, rotting away... Riley, Heaven is truly Hell when its so called "reward" is eternal life. No one should have to live forever. There is nothing importantworth living for now as an angel, but I cannot ever die, because angels aren't made for that. I should be burning away in the Might Blaze, because then, even suffering would be more satisfactory than being thrust down from eternal life and having to reside on this Earth forevermore, after I thought I would never have to return here. Misery is an unbearable emotion when you know it really is inescapable. Any why (in my case)? Because I keep fucking up. And I'm losing everyone I have ever dared to care about. Which is why I try to stay away from people; I am bad luck to everyone."
And he listened to me, a shocked expression slowly contorting his features. At the end of this, he blinked, and told me that he "wouldn't know." I immediately apologised for going off on him like that about such depressing subjects.
"But, L, maybe you're right." He stuttered. "But like I said, I wouldn't know. I'm just human..."
Just human, hm? Just?
What an understatement.
"When I was human, I helped a great deal of people. But now, as an angel, I bring nothing to them but pain. When I was human, I figured, I would dedicate my life and intelligence to others, and when I died, all my duties would be fulfilled and I could rest and not have to exist for so long, or down here, ever again. I thought I had said good-bye to this world, to any kind of life, forever. I never liked the thought of an afterlife. I didn't want there to really be one; even simply thinking something like this could happen scared me more than anything in the world."
"But, if you have something to live for then, living isn't so useless then, right? You have kids and shit. I think that's reason enough. And, there are a lot of people, here on Earth, that really enjoy your company..."
"My kid hates me, and he has reason to. He wants nothing to do with me, and- I don't understand why anyone would enjoy my company. I can't trust myself. How can anyone else trust me, then?"
"I don't know why... And... I can't help it, and though I shouldn't, I trust you. 'Cause... I love you. I mean, as a friend, of course!"
My face became warm and my eyes began to burn. Please don't, Riley... I beg of you. And I don't like begging, not ever.
Before I knew it, he told me to shut up and stop saying bad things, and he kissed me.
And eventually, we flocked over to my bed.
"I don't want to feel, to hear the silence; the quiet scares me because it speaks the truth. Please don't tell me why we are having this converstation. I wouldn't understaind when I cannot be trusted; because I am obviously just that stupid. I just want that salvation I was promised. I just want that salvation I was promised... in any form it is offered in. But it has to want me too."
And at some point in time (after a tickle fight, in which I swear lasted about an hour), we settled in the bed, in the dark, together.
"I'm cold."
"Whaddaya expect me to do about it?"
"...Do you know the best way to start fires?"
"With a lighter?"
"Hm, I prefer the old fashioned way... Rubbing wood together."
He blushed and I laughed, and said I was going to sleep and pretended to do so; Riley fell asleep quickly, and I watched over him.
When at rest, things are in their most beautiful state...
"Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love?
Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls
In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too?"
I was leaning against my son's favourite bridge and looking down into the murky water this afternoon when I heard a voice I wasn't so sure I had ever wanted to hear again, saying my name.
Mello.
By his feet lay a briefcase, and wrapped around his lily-white shoulders was a jacket. He regarded me with an uncertain gaze and asked me how I was. I threw the rock I had kept in my fist at my own reflection in the water and said that I didn't know how I was.
"Don't do that, please..." he said, and came up to me, giving me a hug. And for a moment, I clung to him, and pushed him away, yelling at him to stop- such was futile; he only reeled me back in.
"Shut up, stupid."
I started crying. I didn't want him near me again. I didn't want to see his face. He wouldn't let me go. Dammit! How dare he make me cry?
Why should I even care when I haven't a drop of pride to spare?
"Mello, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
He winced as if he had not been expecting this, and lifted one of his paws and pressed the tips of his long digits into my back, rubbing at the twisted muscle beneath my skin.
"Yeah, I know. It's all okay. L, you need to go see Gabriel and Riley..."
"I did... Riley is asleep at my place and Gabriel doesn't want a thing to do with me..."
"...Yeah, that figures. About- ya know- Gabriel. But I think- I think, maybe Riley should stay with you. Take him in. He loves you a lot."
You aren't going to really lecture me about this, are you Mel? I wondered. I didn't want to talk about any kind of love, or relationship, bonds. Nothing. It was enough to make me want to spit my own stomach out like some kind of frog. Well, not necessarily it- but me. I'm disgusting. I don't think I really am worthy of being loved. Mello of all people should know that. How dare he even suggest it?
"I don't want to be loved ever again. Once was enough for me."
"If anything, I think that's what you need. And you want that, too. No matter how much you deny it, because you're a horrible liar. Did you know that, Detective? No one likes being lonely. You don't, neither does Riley. So staying with you wouldn't be a bad idea. You owe it to me."
Okay, so let me get this straight: You believe you know what I want and what I don't want, but, how can you think you know me when I'm trying to understand myself? Answer that for me, Mello. I dare you. Second- The guilt card? Are you certain you want to play this game with me? Choose wisely.
You want lying? Fine.
"...I don't want him. I'm still in love with you and, and I can't do anything now but sit in my room and rot away wishing there was no Heaven, and wishing I could have stopped existing, and wishing Light would have really made that happen like he swore to me he would, and he lied to me! But maybe this was his intention because he knew I'd go to Heaven and then, suddenly, I wouldn't be good enough for God, and then I'd fall. Because I was meant to suffer and live forever in this fucked up world!"
There you go.
Lies.
Truths.
You sort them out yourself if you think you know so much, Keehl.
And what did you do? You rolled your eyes to me.
And what did you say? ...
"Light was a little bitch. And you weren't meant to suffer. Honestly? You're being selfish. If you want to stop being in pain, stop yourself from wallowing in it, then go and fix it. Try to do something with your son. Let Riley live with you. I keep trying to get through to Riley and he still just loves you. And if you're not going to do either of that, then you can just go and get out of my fucking face, because the sight of you doesn't please me anymore."
So that's how you feel, hm?
I spent my entire life on Earth, living for the world, for the people, to bring justice and make a change for the better. And now you are saying, that in death, I cannot be selfish? Am I being selfish, Mello? What are you doing? What am I doing? There is a fine line, a miniscule thread, here, between love and hate, and the truth and lies.
I'm going to find some scissors now, and I'm going to snip that thread away.
Yes. In the same way I walked away from you today.
You came onto me all those months ago, and I warned you- I cannot love properly. I warned you, you would regret this. I warned you, get away while you could.
Don't you tell me to go away when you wouldn't. You have no right to. You fucking bastard... How dare you?
I feel sick. I think I'm going to go take my temperature now.
"Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all I'll be
On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
I'll search for so long..."
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