Luca

I have no idea why I react like this.

I don't know why it still makes me angry, and sad, confused, frustrated- After all, I knew what was in store.

And still, I cannot help myself; as Johanna's mother, I have a right to feel this way, I think. I gave birth to her; went through the pain; was ill my entire pregnancy; and then something absolutely incredible is the result- the reward- for, to, my suffering; and such is... or was, rather, Johanna.

Chester is unprepared to be a father, and that is his excuse for not wanting to raise her:

"Is she a burden to you?"

"No, she's not."

"A burden is something that weighs heavilly, as responsibility or anxiety... Somthing one does not want, or is unprepared for."

"Maybe she would be at first if I had to raise her myself. Feeding, changing nappies, and being responsible for her, but I'm not as such, am I? Gabe is. So she doesn't bother me... She's making someone else happy and that pleases me to an extent... Plus, I had time for it to settle in. Things haven't changed for us. Yes, I have the title of "dad." But... so what? It's still just me and you."

Just me and you? You and I? I know that in some ways, if not most, Chester is correct about this all- Johanna is not ours to raise, and I decided that when I offered her to Gabriel.

But I can't help but want her all to myself- No, not just for little occasional visits, but for eternity. She is mine, for I birthed her, conceived her, was pregnant with her- She is mine.

If I did not care about what Chester wanted, I would be raising her right now. And I wouldn't care about what he thought- And at this point, I don't know which of the two I love more, although, since I am sitting on my ass doing nothing to help my own wants, I suppose it is Chester who is the winner.

I do not wish to antagonise him, although with this situation, he leaves me very upset at times... Last night when he asked what had happened to Johanna, why she was kidnapped, and where she was taken, I did not answer because I did not think he deserved to know.

It is his choice to make; whether he wants her to know he is her father, or vice versa. Upon the moment that he makes that decision, I shall watch him, and if he does not want her to know- I shall look at his face, into his eyes, and henceforth, his soul- and if he looks as if he cares, then maybe one day, I will tell him what happened to her. If he appears to be indifferent, then it is not his business. She is not his business; he has no right to know a thing, then.

After Bernard's murder via Sebastian, the celestial beings have become angry; and they swooped into the manor and stole my daughter and had plans to destroy her- Why her, I do not know. And because even the "special, chosen ones" seem to be all of the same importance here- aside Sebastian, and, less importantly, Ciel- perhaps I will never know, even if I try to dig a little deeper.

Johanna and I were both tortured until I managed to, with her, escape; and she is safe and yet again in Gabriel and Aranis's care- I do not want to see her for a long while, because I know I will surely go insane and do something immensely stupid and selfish due to my current emotional state...

Sometimes, I don't even want to look at Chester... It's very sad, really. I told him last night, that when he passes, I want to go with him; and that, if we get married, I will become human. Such is probably a lie- but that's what you do in relationships... Make promises you don't intend to keep, and hope that somewhere along the road, he'll just forget all about it...

But I suppose it doesn't matter- I don't plan on marrying him any time soon. It'd be too much at once...

Oh, shit- Oh, shit, Cosmo is eating Chester's eyeshadow. Crap crap crap shit fuck fucking Chester leaving his stuff lying around Dad was right I am going to kill him god fucking dammit!

[End of Post]

Group Blog

Sebastian Michaelis

Nemo keeps suggesting that I take a break, and relax, when I have told him time and time again that I do not take breaks. I have a kingdom to run, after all- to neglect my responsibilities as a leader would be irresponsible, and that, I am not.

But at the same time, I would simply love to spend more time with Ciel, and unfortunately, it seems, that when I do  have time for him, he does not have time for me, and it really is rather painfully amusing...

I would love to take him out more often, he seems happy when I do... And it makes me happy to see him happy, but that's a given.

Nemo is to become the head of my guards in a few days; and I know Denzel will not approve. Nemo says he will just tell him that he is my  "gardener".

Angel fish, perhaps you'd do better to use the term "weed killer", because that would be more precise, I think.

The best of luck to you- and please, do not get yourself killed, you reckless child.

Lucius Caesar Trancy

I fear Chester will have a go at me if he discovers Johanna's true identity. I mean, why would he not be angry? I was pregnant, and gave the child to my infertile and adopted brother, and I did not tell Chester a thing; as I did this all behind his back.

I do not regret having Johanna, but I do regret keeping her a secret from Chester.

...But what difference would it make if he knew? Johanna is better off in the hands of Gabriel, and, dare I say it, even Aranis. She'll have a better life with them, I think. I cannot just thrust a child at Chester so early in our relationship... It is my fault for not listening, yet again.

I am depressed away from my daughter, and I am afraid, so afraid, that something bad may happen to her.

But when am I not afraid? Doing this has but proved my cowardice...

Gabriel Dae Keehl

Luca gave birth to Johanna on Monday night.

I kind of wonder how he kept his pregnancy a secret, he was rather unstable at the time. He told everyone it was food-poisoning from Addis's nachos; and so he spent the entirety of his pregnant severely ill; he water broke in front of- actually, on- Chester, and the idiot didn't even know better.

When he first found out he was expecting, he came to me immediately and asked me if I would like to take care of a baby. Well, sure! After all, I am infertile... The only reason I took up the offer was out of greed; altough Luca would have aborted it otherwise. The greed to be with Aranis, and to never lose him again... The greed to have a child when I knew I could not...

Aranis appears to be smitten with little Johanna, but who could blame him? She is simply precious...

There will, I know, be a point in time in which either Aranis or Chester will find out what Luca and I are hiding, and then, we wil both be in trouble- And over what? A baby.

My greatest fear is that Aranis will leave me again... I honestly don't know how I am going to deal with that. This time around, I took a girl's virginity, and I don't even know why.

Anyhow, until that day comes that Johanna's secrets are revealed, I shall make it my duty, and my very promise to Lulu, that I will protect her with my own life...

And if I fail, may God strike me down.

Myka Ophelia Trancy

It really is difficult being incapable of speech, but luckily, I can write...

I don't understand why people want to bloody keep me. I mean, honestly. First, there was that psychotic blonde girl with the yellow rodent hoodie, then there was my idiot brother, and then there was that blonde transvestite.

I am not a dog, I am a wolf. I am not a freaking pet, people.

Cambion says I should stop killing little animals, but I can't help it. They just look so funny when they are about to die... I am amazed for some reason that he does not agree.

I found a white turtle yesterday crawling about the woods, so I picked him up and put him in Cambion's treehouse. When I showed it to him, he told me not to touch it; but I guess that's what I get for killing lizards and frogs and throwing rocks at crows... I did, however, kill a dove, and he seemed pleased about it.

Oh- And I have no idea why I had the urge that one day to take Luca's scissors and carve "Vermin" into Cambion's wrist. I suppose I was bored, really; when I stop thinking as such, I do odd things; and yesterday, I ran a finger along the letters on his wrist and they changed to spell out "Jazabel". Mr. Mello the transvestite says that was his daughter, and that she is dead. I stole a box of pictures she took from under the zombie panda's bed, and I gave Cambion a picture of her because he asked for one. She really interests me for some reason, and I wish someone would tell me more about her...

Oh- Has anybody heard of The Game? Because if you have, you just lost it. Hehe~