Luca

I have no idea why I react like this.

I don't know why it still makes me angry, and sad, confused, frustrated- After all, I knew what was in store.

And still, I cannot help myself; as Johanna's mother, I have a right to feel this way, I think. I gave birth to her; went through the pain; was ill my entire pregnancy; and then something absolutely incredible is the result- the reward- for, to, my suffering; and such is... or was, rather, Johanna.

Chester is unprepared to be a father, and that is his excuse for not wanting to raise her:

"Is she a burden to you?"

"No, she's not."

"A burden is something that weighs heavilly, as responsibility or anxiety... Somthing one does not want, or is unprepared for."

"Maybe she would be at first if I had to raise her myself. Feeding, changing nappies, and being responsible for her, but I'm not as such, am I? Gabe is. So she doesn't bother me... She's making someone else happy and that pleases me to an extent... Plus, I had time for it to settle in. Things haven't changed for us. Yes, I have the title of "dad." But... so what? It's still just me and you."

Just me and you? You and I? I know that in some ways, if not most, Chester is correct about this all- Johanna is not ours to raise, and I decided that when I offered her to Gabriel.

But I can't help but want her all to myself- No, not just for little occasional visits, but for eternity. She is mine, for I birthed her, conceived her, was pregnant with her- She is mine.

If I did not care about what Chester wanted, I would be raising her right now. And I wouldn't care about what he thought- And at this point, I don't know which of the two I love more, although, since I am sitting on my ass doing nothing to help my own wants, I suppose it is Chester who is the winner.

I do not wish to antagonise him, although with this situation, he leaves me very upset at times... Last night when he asked what had happened to Johanna, why she was kidnapped, and where she was taken, I did not answer because I did not think he deserved to know.

It is his choice to make; whether he wants her to know he is her father, or vice versa. Upon the moment that he makes that decision, I shall watch him, and if he does not want her to know- I shall look at his face, into his eyes, and henceforth, his soul- and if he looks as if he cares, then maybe one day, I will tell him what happened to her. If he appears to be indifferent, then it is not his business. She is not his business; he has no right to know a thing, then.

After Bernard's murder via Sebastian, the celestial beings have become angry; and they swooped into the manor and stole my daughter and had plans to destroy her- Why her, I do not know. And because even the "special, chosen ones" seem to be all of the same importance here- aside Sebastian, and, less importantly, Ciel- perhaps I will never know, even if I try to dig a little deeper.

Johanna and I were both tortured until I managed to, with her, escape; and she is safe and yet again in Gabriel and Aranis's care- I do not want to see her for a long while, because I know I will surely go insane and do something immensely stupid and selfish due to my current emotional state...

Sometimes, I don't even want to look at Chester... It's very sad, really. I told him last night, that when he passes, I want to go with him; and that, if we get married, I will become human. Such is probably a lie- but that's what you do in relationships... Make promises you don't intend to keep, and hope that somewhere along the road, he'll just forget all about it...

But I suppose it doesn't matter- I don't plan on marrying him any time soon. It'd be too much at once...

Oh, shit- Oh, shit, Cosmo is eating Chester's eyeshadow. Crap crap crap shit fuck fucking Chester leaving his stuff lying around Dad was right I am going to kill him god fucking dammit!

[End of Post]