Caru 


What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
I know this isn't much but,
I know I could I could be better...

Denzel has finally returned from America, safely... with Aranis. Aranis with his... annoying flowy hair and the stupid eye patch and the stupid older person crap. Aranis who forces Denzel into a lot of situations without my knowing until it's already happened. Aranis who has gotten Denzel pregnant. Aranis who makes me look like the bad guy. 

No, but I guess I can't help feeling like that in general, anyway. 

When I returned from Heaven, I would cry if left alone, and go racing through the manor until I found company. Ever since Denzel left for America, though, all I've wanted is to be alone. As much as I love him, and my mother, Nemo... I feel distant from them. I don't mean to feel distant, and I don't want to alone, really, I don't think... But I have no friends. Even Echo doesn't count, she is more like a big sister to me. No one ever comes around, asking for Caru. It is always either, "Oh, hi Caru. Have you seen Denzel?" or "Have you seen Nemo?". No, I'm not jealous, I just feel insignificant  and forgotten a lot. 

After being raped, I had Nameless, Mum, Denzel, and Echo around to help me deal with it all. I got hugs and cuddles and words of reassurance. How could I want more than that? I should be thankful... I don't want to be a burden to the few people who I know consider me... So I'll leave them alone. Not that that even makes much sense if I don't want to lose them... but I feel so sad lately that I just don't really care. Negative energy is contagious... I wonder if this is how my father felt before he died... 

...How long does it take storm clouds to dissipate? 

Gabriel 

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

My only hope,
All the times I've tried
My only peace,
To walk away from you
My only joy,
My only strength,
I fall into your abounding grace
My only power,
My only life,
And love is where I am
My only love.

Nameless was indeed correct when he said there is no such thing as nothing- as not existing- as resting in peace. 

There is no escape from life. 

I am half human, and so my soul was tried, and I was condemned to Hell for all of the corruption I am responsible for. Sebastian promised my father that he would not torture me, but it is torture now that I crave. I deserve to suffer, for I have been nothing but selfish- that is what Johanna told me Aranis wanted to say. She doesn't have my necklace any more...

Without the torture I so crave, existing (for you cannot really call this "living") in Hell is dull and dreadful. I can go where I please if a guard (this is often Dyfri) supervises me, and I can wander aimlessly around every nook and cranny Hell has to offer. I suppose the best part, really, are the hateful gazes the demons shoot at me when I pass them by, and I smirk... Isn't this what I wanted, after all? 

Aranis wanted me for nothing more than companionship and sex. If he loved me, why would he do such things so early on? When he did them, did he even consider how I would feel if I found out? And I found out every time. I gave and trusted him with my heart, and now I haven't one, because it is his, and he has maltreated it. There is no reason to care any more- I feel nothing, and I shouldn't, anyway. Now I can continue making mistakes, and I know I will not regret them. 

Someone, please, come torture me before I am driven utterly insane...