"Look no more,
Only the weak use their eyes
But I, I will teach you right
Come with me, come inside;
Spread your sails, shed your pride
And don't mind those salty sips
That drag you down..."
Once upon a time,
I came to admire this small boy with mismatched eyes that seemed to gleam and sparkle with mischief.
And even though he was young, he seemed to understand more than any ordainary child his age should. I came to consider him not only as a friend, but as a son. I was more than obliged to take him in because he did not have a real home.
...But look what he's done now.
My beloved husband became quite upset with him one day and threw him out of the house (I still need to discuss this with him, in a calm manner, I hope).
The next thing I know, the boy- contracted with a young (and quite foolish) demoness- had ordered the estate to be lit up in flames.
Ciel was horrified, and he will come to me, and sob. Because the flames... His memories have been provoked and my poor Ciel has been forced to relive them.
This fire did not pass without several casualties. We lost all of our horses, the cat Ciel gave me for our honeymoon...
Skye and Nameless lost their youngest son, Denzel. Bless them...
And Ciel and I... lost six of our own children.
Malachi.
Serafina.
Desdemona.
Karasu and Anastasia.
And Esperanza, the youngest- only three years old, a twin to my little Eiri.
When I told Ciel... he was overcome with anger due to Cambion. Because we all knew it was him. No one else was foolish enough to do this. No one else has been vengeful enough.
We had thirteen- no, fourteen, living children (because our lovely Aranis has returned). Prior, we had lost four due to miscarriages- Well, I lost those. We are left with eight children.
In all, we have lost twelve.
Not only is this due to my recent inablity to manage incredible feats (I suddenly feel like a very old man, though that really is not far from the truth in human years...) but it is moreso due to Cambion.
When I attcked him last night, I decided it would be a very selfish act to finish him off all by myself. Surely there are plenty of others who deserve to see the little shitbag in pain, misery, suffering. I found it immensely amsusing myself! And do you know what? He's bloody daft; Yes! he told me he respects me! Oh, Cambion, darling... Respect the man who left you in such a horrible, disfigured state? All mangled and mauled?
Respect the man whose children you have so very heartlessly murdered? Ha!
You fool.
If he shows his face to me ever again, he will die right then, right there. Because I don't give a solitary shit about him.
When saying we hate him- I cannot even begin to tell you how underrated the word "hate" is.
And he lived happily ever after? ...I think not.
You'll be slaughtered like the pig that you are.
Lachrimae Branwen Michaelis-Phantomhive
An addict to my tones,
You will drink me 'til you say when,
And then you'll have to drink some more:
You'll love me like the devil loves
To drink his water laced with wine,
But you won't, like him, be called an angel
When you fall..."
I've been living in a hotel since Piper and Cambion burned my hard-earned book store down. I suppose the upside to this is free wi-fi. *sigh* It's lonely here, though. It's not at all like the manor or my shop, filled with the smiling faces of people...
I feel rather guilty for letting it cross my mind that I should take this one lovely Spanish maid aside and have a little fling with her. I don't know why I feel guilty about it. I never have before- well, after my marriage fucked up, I mean. Women are easy to seduce... Well, that's what I thought, anyway.
But I can't look at this Spanish lady and not let my thoughts wander off to someone else.
Once upon a time, it was Tsumi, Tsumi, Tsumi...! But, now, when I'm falling asleep in the dark frigidness of this suite, and my eyes are closed... I think of my Alice, my ice queen- little Miss Echo. And I know it is the horrible blush upon my face when I think of her that warms me up. I don't blush...
Jesus! This can't be right. I feel like a schoolgirl! And that is not due to me being bisexual, I swear.
I started sweating last night- though the air condition was on full blast- because I feel like a bloody fool. And why do I feel as such?
Because I kissed her. She said she liked it, and then she ran away! What does that mean? Echo, you are so very confusing and I just cannot deciphor you. I wanted to kiss you. And I did. And you kissed back, and... Did that mean nothing to you?
You really do believe I'm a man-whore, don't you?
I was married to my half-brother and even had children with him. I've tried having sex with my own son's husband. I've had an affair with my own little sister. I took her virginity.
Tsumi's dead and was psychotic.
Alois I only wanted when I was drunk- or when my son drugged me up with a syringe and made my mind fuck up like the static on a TV screen. Hell, I've had sex with Malphas without even knowing until I came to and was told.
And Piper? She hates me. She scares me. She hurt my feelings. I'm too sensitive, and for a lady, she's too insensitve. I gave her flowers that night after Malphas drugged me, to show her how sorry I was. And she tore them up. And now she's burned my sanctuary to worthless ashes. I hope she's pleased that I want to cry.
And now Echo... Well, I have no plans on having sex with her anytime soon. Sex ruins things. And I'm sure she'd be frightened. I don't want to frighten her any more. I crave her friendship, for I am lonely, and she needs a friend too, because she's new to London and doesn't know much anyone.
I told her, people will say horrible things (though most are true) about me. Yes, I warned her that they might try and turn her against me. I told her I don't care what she thinks of me, because she should be free to have her own opinion. I told her all of this and she didn't run away. She said she didn't want to.
But she did.
And I'm sorry I kissed her, because I wanted her to stay. She's been so kind to me.. I want to tell her I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for fancying her.
So why is it I can't stop?
When my book-store is rebuilt and I manage to collect myself a nice amount of books and sweets and things of the sort, I'll let her have anything she wants, for free. She's a wonderful friend- more wonderful than most I've had in my past.
Would it be appropriate, Echo, to call you my best friend? After all, I've only known you for a short amount of time.
...But it's the truth.
L. Lawliet
"One day I'll be conquered by a wily voice and eyes
And my tomb will be the stage where
Great cities rise;
And the queen will be dead, long live the queen;
And the queen will be dead, long live the queen...
...You'll just be gone and I'll
Sing on and on
And on and on and on; to capture the next one..."I don't know what to say.
Blake has taunted me enough for my foolish mistakes.
I'm an angel. I shouldn't make these kinds of... sinful... mistakes...
What's wrong with me?
I had everything I could ever want, and I've fucked up now.
I can't blame Riley.
It's all my own fault.
I'm sorry, Riley.
I'm sorry, Mello.
I'm sorrry, Gabriel...
My fault? ...Yes, my fault. And Light's. Kira. Raito-kun. I fail to understand why-
But it isn't at all possible.
The bastard is burning somewhere down in Hell. And I should be laughing, because I was granted the gift of wings and a halo and...
I've fallen, nonetheless.
What good am I to anyone? Especially when I can't die?
I have betrayed Mello in unspeakable manners and I am so ashamed.
What's worse than him throwing that engagement ring to the floor is that I don't know where he is, or if he's okay...
Of course he's not okay.
I've had sex with Riley of all people, and I can't begin to imagine how fucked up that must appear to Mello.
And now his daughter is due to die.
And our child...
Oh, what was I thinking?
My heart hurts, Light... and it's all your fault!
Keaira Dimitri Trancy
"Long live the king, the king is dead;
Your prayers won't call him back to your bed
With all this blood I've laced upon the moon
No spells or tricks will bring him home:
Long live the king;
The king is mine, the king is dead!"
I was supposed to stay dead.
I want Claude. I want my parents. I want someone to love me and hug me and kiss the top of my head and hold me, and tell me that everything is all right, just like I'm a kid again.
I don't know if I'll ever stop crying.
Damn you Gabriel. Damn you for using me as an experiment! Haven't you ever read Frankenstein, you dork? Reanimation is sinful! A bad idea! You are not God! How can you even be an angel? You're sick!
I died so I could be with my Claude. And I want him back. I want him back right now! My best friend, my love, my only one...! Oh, Claude, come back, I say... Come back... Please...
Aranis is alive, in human form. He was there when I awoke in the laboratory. He ran away from me when I awoke, and now I know why.
I'm hideous. I look dead.
My skin is cold and grey. My once pink lips are chilled blue. My golden hair is now faded and dark and thin. My eyes are filmy orbs of frosted glass, icy and lifeless. And my nails are black.
I may look like a zombie, but I am, in fact, a full demon now.
I'm not beautiful anymore. I'm not beautiful on the outside, and not on the inside. They say your outward appearance reflects what you are, who you are, and how you feel on the inside.
...Fine, then. This is me.
I'm miserable and depressed and so very ugly and lifeless and worthless and pathetic and imcompetant and selfish and vile and hated and used and I am shit.
I don't see why Aranis gives a fuck about me. How could he love this? I don't want him to love me. I'll only hurt him again, and I'm afraid. I don't want that. What can I do, though, when he says he loves me? If I tell him I love him back, not only am I lying to myself, but I'm lying to him. False hope is horrible, but it is still hope. And the more hopeful he is, the harder he'll fall when he realises I'm lying. But I can't tell him I don't love him. He'll start hating me and become depressed. And I don't want that. He's still my friend, and he cares about me, perhaps even more than Claude ever did. And it hurts to acknowledge that. He must feel so unappreciated, but what can I do? I crave his companionship, but I'm scared- horrified to death- to love him. To love anyone anymore. I'm simply scared of people in general.
Claude used me because no one else liked him, and he needed sex, and I was a stupid, vulnerable child in love with him. Cambion uses me because he's afraid of being all alone. Aurelei- damn her to Hell.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I need help.
Somebody...!
Anybody...
Help me...
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