Keaira- "In the End"

(It starts with one)
One thing I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter...

Dear Cambion,

You didn't honestly believe that I'd go off and leave you without a proper farewell, did you?

Of course I wouldn't.

I'm sorry if my writing is lacking in this final note of mine; I am afraid I am quite high and cannot focus sufficiently at all.

Heh~ I think it's only now that I'm regretting doing this to myself. Right as I'm about to die. When I know it's too late to turn back now.

But Claude damn well acknowledged- and I did warn him- that if he took his life, I would follow him. I'd go wherever he would. I always will. I don't expect you, my dear brother, to fully understand this, as you claim you have never- and never will be- in love.

Claude killed me.

But I killed him all the same.

I cannot imagine the way he felt. Because I have never been in his posistion. So like Aranis, lay his bloodied body sprawled across the floor, stiff and lifeless, his skin grey and his golden eyes- oh, those magnificent pools of pure gold I so loved- dulled over so very horribly. I closed my eyes and spun around, because, I thought, if I looked back again, he wouldn't be there. Yes, I must be hallucinating!

Such was not the case.

Claude was dead. Is dead.

Those magnificent orbs of eyes fading, dying, like early morning embers...

It was the most unbearable scene I have ever witnessed in my sixteen years alive.

And why? Because I loved him.

I and don't understand why he did it. I don't! And it's so very unfair! Oh, Cambion, he and I were going to get married! I had proposed to him just the night before, and he had said yes, and we had made the sweetest of love and he had told me the most tooth-rotting confessions, and I was so happy!

I must be a fool to believe he mirrored my very feeling. Damned fool I was and am and shall be!

And thus, despair has come to claim her prey. Misery has found her dwelling in the very pit of my mortal heart and it is unbearable.

In case you have not been informed prior, I will have you know that Aranis is indeed alive. As a little black rabbit. And I did see him before I returned here to sob into my love's body, and he bit me, because he was so very jealous that I have found love.

I do hope he has not resorted to anything rash- again.

Please, go find him for me, and tell him, it's all his fault I'm dead. And you damn well know why I believe that is.

And have someone go and tell Daddy he was right about Claude.

And tell Ciel that I hope he's happy and that Aranis is alive.

No, I never, per se, hated my life.

I never considered it unbearable. I’d call this feeling— this churning mass of broiling self-hatred— unbearable, but no.

No.

What's unbearable is laying here in the dark of the night with its blanket of thick cloudes masking over the full moon. I can't see anything but Claude. What's unbearable is knowing that I couldn't do anything to save him. I could never make him happy.

What's unbearable is having finally found love, and being left- in the end- to wonder if you were loved back.

Claude, did you know how much I love you? Did you have even the smallest, miniscule inkling? My darling, why did you leave me? And without a good-bye? When I thought you were happy! When I thought we could all be happy- Yes! me and you and our little daughter! Together, a family! My very best friend, my only love, my only, only, only one...

I had so much hope.

And in a solitary, lonesome heartbeat, it's all gone, and it hurts so bad.

I can feel my heart within me contracting violently, enlarging, because the drugs I have taken will surely bid it to explode and create quite a mess. If ever a broken heart existed, it certainly is my heart now.

I love you Claude. I miss you. I want to be with you. Forever and ever, for death cannot part us...

Cambion, what's unbearable... is knowing that loving him killed him.

I love you, Cambion.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, Mum.

I love you, Aranis, and Ciel, and Sebastian, and... everyone, even if they have hated me.

Maybe you'll all die now, just like my beloved, in agony, feeling worthless and unloved and wretched and vile and simply disgusting like the writhing, ravenous little maggots that will soon devour my very flesh and dispose of all of me, yes, the waste that I am!

I can't save myself now! No, so I might as well get myself higher, and contaminate my body Claude thought to be so pure once upon a time with all these filthy, filthy drugs! And I'll die tonight. I'll die.

And I don't care.

Adieu.

-Keaira Dimitri Trancy, September 6, 3:18 a.m.