Nikola- Paradise Lost

Nikola

2-3-13

"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me..."

When I learned of emotions, I promised myself that I would not let my life be ruled by them, as others have let happen. 

They are all miserable.

Look at me, now; come to join them. Joined them ages ago... My heart is wounded, so suddenly. And there is not one single thing that I can do about it.

Last night was Nameless and Aranis's wedding. Cambion had the gall to go on and possess Denzel's body, causing a great stir. He had Denzel claiming that he loved Aranis, and I watched, intently, as there came a rapid flash of thought reflected in Aranis's eyes; he was fooled, and swayed, and Nameless noticed, and I could literally see his heart drop to the barren pit of his stomach. I do not care greatly for him, but I felt every pain in that moment as he did. It took a lot for me not to go up there and tell both Aranis and Cambion off for their idiocy. No longer am I in a position to provoke immortals. In moments, the air surrounding settled, and Aranis and Nameless kissed, and travelled down the aisle together. In a rush, Nameless threw the bouquet of thorned red and white roses, crowned with precious baby's breath; and I felt stinging on my face in a heartbeat. It was as if the idea that my only chance of marriage has been spoiled; and thrown right in my face. I later took that bouquet, and left it at Nemo's door. He told me that he adores roses, a few days ago. He told me that roses were the first thing that had ever made him bleed.

"All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken."

I spent the night at Trancy manor, as I am friends with Myka and Johanna, who are in a happy relationship. I slept between them in their bed, and early in the morning, I took it upon myself to sneak away and discover for myself the ruins of Gabriel's abandoned laboratory. In a bitter rush of emotions and thoughts, he burned away nearly every bit of it just before he was imprisoned in Hell. I took what was left- seared journals and inventions- and stuffed them in my backpack. I stayed until ten this morning, and then took my leave.

It was nearly four, and I had spent my hours away in the stables, studying and repairing Gabriel's work, when Nemo found me. We spent the day in London, and I stole a woman's wedding ring in a church, just to get at a diamond to complete an improved prototype of the age reverter; converter, rather, this time around. I aged to eighteen, simply to experiment; to ensure that my memory will not fade from me. I stayed with Nemo, until he fell asleep, around eleven; God above, however despicable he may be, knows that I will never feel at home, anywhere that Nemo goes.

I have spent so much time with him as of late that it does not feel right. I regret it, but my heart aches every time that he mentions Levi. I cannot help it. I am so in love with Nemo. He will never be mine. I will not make him mine. He is happy, as far as I am concerned. And I, am in so much pain, meant to be alone, longing. Oh, but I want him happy as can be. That pain, though, I know, is the most satisfaction that I will ever have, even if Hell freezes over and he suddenly decides that he loves me. My heart is shattered and bleeding, but, God- it feels so good. 

Levi once said that I do not know what love is.

I know what it is.

"I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise."

Nemo becoming attached to me, however, annoys me, and scares me. It does not feel right. He is very selfish with me, and he said today, that he thinks that I like it. I don't. I do not know what goes through his mind, but it is cruel, and even though he knows how I feel, I cannot tell him off for it. He certainly has me tied around his finger. In my line of work, as a poet, one is lucky if he retains even a fragment of his soul. Nemo has what is left of mine. My chaste passion for him burns within me like a wildfire. However damaged it bids my heart to become, life always arises from the ashes. As a phoenix, I know this, even if, as a very young boy, I hexed myself so that I cannot evade true Death.

That aside, back in the stables, I was found, this time, by Genesis. Now, the fallen angel is not very fond of me, or, so he says. I had previously suggested to him, that he join my parents in their bed; because my father complained that his relationship with Sebastian is quite losing its 'spark.' On the topic of my mother, I dislike him, but I have realised how very much I am like him; not solely in my new-found appearance, but in mannerisms, mentality, and matters of love. After nearly a century and a half, he is still so profoundly in love with my father, and it is, in my own eyes, something beautiful; and it is one of the few things that I admire my mother for. But, it seems, that my father does not appreciate this love, and it annoys me to some extent. It makes me fearful of love. I would, in a relationship, be in Sebastian's position; and if ever I gain a lover, I fear that they will be like my father. I do love my father very much, but he is sometimes so selfish, and juvenile. One would think that he would mature some after all that he has been through, and after so long. No such luck. In fact, the child stowed away the bones of his ex-fianceé beneath the bed, and between him, Sebastian, and Genesis, there was trouble. I heard, though, that my parents made up last night. What a relief... until next time.

But, naturally, when Genesis suggested having a night with my parents to Sebastian, Sebastian was quick to turn him down. So, to me, comes a rejected and eager Genesis, with a plush rooster in hand as a reference to a joke I had made of him. When he discovered my new guise, he called me 'dashing,' and pulled me up into his lap. He played with my hair, nibbled at my shoulder, and spoke sweetly. I let him get away with it, telling myself that it was harmless. His hands greedily, though, found their way to my backside, and something snapped within me. I was suddenly terrified; aside a broken heart, the worst feeling in the world to me is the feeling of fear. I visibly started to tremble, and I told Genesis not to touch me. But the topic of sex became further discussed, and I found myself nearly as terrified as the day that I was raped.

I could feel his erection pressing hard against my backside. I imagined it within me. All the pain, the sharp feeling of my body as it longed to split into half, the roughness of lustful humping, the agony of bony hips slamming against my only-human flesh. I wanted to vomit, to scream, to kill him, to run. I want my body to myself. Only to myself. He called me his Nikola. I belong to no one. Only to myself. I told him. Nobody may ever touch me. I trust no one to let them. I never intend to.

"As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise."

Oh, /God/, and then I could take it no longer. I felt like such a coward, and damn my pride...

No matter had I ran, or stayed, I could not salvage that pride. Had I ran, I'd have been a coward. I molted myself of my pride this night; I let Genesis in my mouth, and I relieved him of his tensions, and I sullied myself. I kneel to no one... Oh, but, I knelt to a former archangel, high on libido unmatched by any other being currently in existence... or something.

Silly me.

All the while, I felt ill. I thought of Nemo. Not sexually, I simply thought of him. Innocently as a child in love... because, that is what I am. I thought, also, why do I protect my body so? I have been ruined. I am human now. Mortal. What am I truly worth? If I do not find a way in this short life to return to what I once was, I will die one day. I will only be Nemo's meal. I told him today- 'Nemo, I don't want to die.' I told him, ' ...And I hope that we always will be best friends. I want my throne back. I decided that I'd be jealous, if I was replaced. When- and I will- I rule, I want you to be there by my side. As captain of the guard, that is. If I do not promote you.'

In the city today, I told Nemo that we ought to go shopping for his birthday gift, but he could not think of anything that he wanted. I was intent, though, on getting him something, because he has done so much for me, and because I truly do not believe he will have time for me on his birthday; and I will keep far away on Valentine's day. He wound up telling me that what he wanted was for me to be a demon again, by the sixth. He wants to go off and tell Keaira to make me as such again. He does not care to understand that Keaira hates me, and that he'd expect something in return. I am afraid that if he 'helps,' as Nemo puts it, that I will certainly wind up dead, or suffering greatly.

I must certainly find Moira; the monster that I created, and put an end to her and her ambitious greed and foolishness. And I must certainly return to my little daughter and give her all my sorries and love, and succeed, for once, in raising something. I will not let myself become a failure, no matter what.

I thought of Nemo tonight, and I could think only of his smile. I told him once, that if all was left of him was his smile, he would still be the most respectable being that I know; and I do not lie about such things.

Genesis sat with me when he had calmed, and he stroked my hair, and held me close to his warm body. I imagined that he was Nemo. And that is why I took it upon myself to so quickly push him away.

What have I done with myself?

"Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time

and now, I'm lost in paradise..."

I have an idea of how to fix myself all up- because, according to Nemo, I am a very broken person- even if I am not exactly up for it. Nor do I think myself capable in my current state... Feeble, frail, as porcelain. I like, though, to pretend that I am very strong and great, and worthwhile. I do not know how things will work out, but, I suppose that is for the future to reveal...

I galloped away on my horse, no saddle, nor reigns, when Genesis departed, and I let myself cry into her velveteen neck. It felt nice, to weep, after so long. It is no difficult thing to call tears to my own eyes, but very rarely are they real.

Now, I have returned; and I am ready for whatever cards tomorrow may deal me...Tell me, though...

Why have my eyes now become so dark?

"Alone... 
And lost in paradise..."

Nikola- 'Loser'

"Do what you, what you want, if you have a dream for betterDo what you, what you want, 'til you don't want it anymore;Remember who you really are...
Do what you, what you want, your world's closing in on you now;It isn't overStand and face the unknownGot to remember who you really areEvery heart in my hand is like a pale reflection..."

I am fearless.

I was fearless...

Once, when I was blinded by a child's eyes, and I was beautiful. The innocence of youth; so bright in the sun beams; the only reason that life exists, so that we might have memories of our ignorance. So that we continue to make ourselves corrupted... 

I am not the most fortunate of people, but I am still as unafraid as I was in my innocence. I am constantly ready to have fun. To cause as much trouble as I possibly can. To live my life to the fullest, even if that life was meant to last for eternity.

Now I no longer have eternity.

I no longer possess the physical strength that might have ensured that eternity. I am more ready than ever before to just live, despite any misery that may prey upon my soul.

I know that my soul is worth it.

"Do what you, what you want, you don't have to lay your life down;
It isn't over
Do what you, what you want, 'til you find what you're looking for;
Got to remember who you really are
But every hour slipping by screams that I have failed you..."

I have been raped. I have fallen into a love, unrequited. I have given up my place as the rightful heir to Hell. I have become mortal. I have lost the confidence to raise a daughter. I have been imprisoned by my own mother. I have nearly met my own death so many times that I've now lost count. I have over and over and over again purposely caused myself trouble and have made stupid decisions just for my own entertainment. But, God, I am so chronically ill from losing...

But is that not what living is? Is that not the only was to possess a satisfying life? I do not care if I suddenly die, but that is not to say that I wish for my own death. There are times, as listed above, where I do give up- but I do move on. I do not like to dwell on much.

There are two things that provoke me, more now than ever before: My own mortality and my heart.

It is no easy task to keep a secret among my family. Certainly, by now, everyone at Phantomhive is aware of my love for Nemo. No one really cares to know it; those who do frown upon it. I know that Nemo does not care either, for he knows; Lachrimae had my collection of poems, and read aloud the poem that I had written regarding my feelings for Nemo and for my own life; and Nemo stuck around to listen after he had promised me not to read that journal. I do not particularly care that he knows, nor do I feel upset that he does not care for my affections toward him. 

My love for him seems odd compared to what love I have observed among others. I have loved him for as long as I can remember; perhaps not in the same way as I now do, but it certainly grew to this very rapidly. I have figured that he must have simply appeared in my life, when I needed somebody the very most. Of course, I had my father to go to, but my father...  can only understand so much. He is selfish and rash, but I love him nonetheless. Nemo is the same, in some ways... 

He refuses to let me die, but if I stay human forever- and Sebastian and I have not found a solution as of yet- I will have to die eventually. I told him that when that does happen, he may have my soul, and he agreed that he would have it. I sometimes wish that he would have let me die, that very first time that I was so severely injured... Because I know I will cause so much more trouble for him in my future. The near future, to be exact. I have already stabbed him. What else will I do to him?

"There's still time, close your eyes,
only Love will guide you home
Tear down the walls and free your soul, 'til we crash
We're forever spiraling down, down,
down..."


I've spent the past four or five nights with him. I have been ill, and now I am human and do not think it would be very safe for me to return to the cottage that he built me, alone. I claim constantly that I can protect myself, but I know that Nemo is right when he says that I am physically incapable of defending myself against any immortal now.I know that I will have to leave again, soon, or I may cause problems with Levi; who happens to be Nemo's boyfriend. He is jealous of me, and I do not understand why. I do not plan on stealing Nemo from him. I simply love Nemo. I do not care if he loves me in return. It is all that I live for, I've decided at the point, is to love him. I understand that that seems foolish, indeed, but only fools fall in love, after all... 

I do not want a relationship with Nemo. Mutual love becomes a bore after some time, as I have learned, and if not a bore, it leads to heartbreak and betrayal. As long as Nemo is happy, then, I am, too. I spoke to Elias not very long ago, and I perhaps should not have told him such things. of all people (he is Levi's father), but I said:

"Elias, I only want so badly to lie down next to him on the settee, to wrap my arms around him, and sleep. Not fuck, like in those films. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lack quality enough for him, and he has a boyfriend, and I am gawky, and he is gorgeous, and I am hopelessly dull, and he is endlessly fascinating. When I am alone, I think, that if people were fire, I am a pile of embers in a pit, and he is the sun, my second star to the right, shining."

I did not say all of that to him, exactly, but I wanted to. I laugh, now, at how silly and hopeless it all sounds. 

The thought that I might die someday, without having the chance to ever rule Hell rightfully, or to ever be happily married, to ever leave Nemo behind in Eternity, is not the nicest of thoughts; It may bother me now, but it does not sway me to give up my stubborn ways. 

"Hello, hello, remember me?
I'm everything you can't control
Somewhere beyond the pain, there must be a way to believe..."

I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am in the grandest place in the world, in innocent love. I figure life's a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count. In that way, you become great. You make a name, a legacy for yourself. You will be remembered when you are long gone, only a handful of silvery ashes like stardust, carried away by the hands of night in her wake, always left with something to dream. And, oh, how I dream... 

My name is Nikola. Remember it well. 

"Hello, hello; It's only me,
infecting everything you Love...
Somewhere beyond the pain,
there must be a way to learn Forgiveness."

Nameless

          

Aranis, Denzel, and I visited the lake yesterday. 

Hans came to see us with his mate and their three new cygnets... Swans really are hopeless creatures, known for choosing and remaining faithful to one mate throughout the course of their life, often becoming depressed if their partner dies or disappears... 

I am certain Aranis and Denzel couldn't see it, but I was not in the happiest of moods. Skye and I had spoken the night before, and just being in his presence is enough to piss me off. Instead, though, in my room that night with him, I had not gotten angry. Just sad, particularly after he told me that he remembered happy things that had happened between us and describing some of those things... And, ah, I'd rather not go into detail about it. He asked if he could sleep with me, and I told him that he had a husband to go to now. He didn't argue, and left, much to my favour, because as soon as that door shut, I began to cry. 

I had promised him that same night that I would help brighten up his "boring" life by collecting some butterflies for him at the lake with Aranis, and he had frowned. But Aranis was not Denzel's daddy, Nameless, why are you taking him instead of me? Oh, why should I take you with me instead? You would only drown, hm? And then I would have to save you for the sake of Denzel and Bambi. 

I failed, also, to take into account that the lake we were to go to was the very same lake where I had first met Cross, and we had some odd attraction towards each other and had spent the whole day in the water, kissing. I had never thought once about having an affair, or cheating on Skye with an absolute stranger, but when I left Cross that night, I didn't feel guilty. I wouldn't see him again until... I don't even remember, now. Untill I left Skye, or he left me. I don't remember quite how it happened... I don't remember quite a lot, actually... Perhaps dying was a good thing, after all, then. 

I captured thirteen butterflies for Skye, all different species (though I can't tell which, I have never really taken it to mind to study butterflies), and left them in a jar by his and Elias's room before going with Aranis to his own room and sleeping. 

I have been sleeping with Aranis nearly every night now. I am not one to be close to people, physically or socially, but I have this odd urge to be near him and to trust him, despite his reputation. I've never had a closer friend, not since Cross, and the relationship I had with him only withered after we confessed our love. I don't think I have the nerve to love again, now, and I don't think anyone will ever prove to me that it is okay to. I am not up for being hurt again, just yet... 

But suddenly I don't feel the desire to go about sleeping with any person who consents. I want to go to Nemo and Nicole, and tell them that I want to forfeit from the bet I proposed. I am sure Nemo will give me hell about being in love with Aranis, but it isn't something I can't put up with, surely. If I give him a jar of cherries I know I can get him to shut up, bloody man-child. 

As for Aranis, he still loves Keaira. He doesn't say much about Gabriel, and has not since he learned that Kearia and he were having a child. I pity him- the two people he loved the most having a child with each other. I wonder if he has even met Moira, and if he hasn't, I wonder how he would react to seeing her. I'd imagine it's difficult for him. I am glad to be there for him when he is upset. It is an honour to care for him.. But being around him is starting to scare me, and I am torn, because I can't decide if I should break away or let myself get closer... It doesn't help that Denzel is jealous of our relationship already. He seemed much better last night, but if anyone could get inside my mind, they would tell me that it is not wise to get any closer. Aranis and I are so close, yet so far from love, and though it is sometimes painful, I don't know if I could handle much else, or if he could. I'll let this last as long as it can... but nothing can change fate. Whatever is meant to be, I am certain, will work out perfectly, and so all anyone can do now is wait. 

You've Got Mail

Gabriel's Suicide Note

So go and tell all your friends
That I’m a failure underneath
If it makes you feel like a bigger man
But it’s my, my heart, my life
That you're calling a lie
I’ve played this game before
And I can’t take anymore

I feel it coming over me
I’m still a slave to these dreams
Is this the end of everything?
Or just a new way to bleed?

Dear Aranis,

                     By the time you find this, there will be a very great chance that I am now no longer on Earth with you, and, again, that I have left you for very selfish reasons.

You have taken me to this strange place in America, and now you've napped Denzel, as well. You told him you had a surprise for him, and that surprise was me. Neither of us expected that anything could go wrong...

But the look in his eyes when he saw me reminded me of what I am; A thief, a murderer, a liar. I thought that I lost my heart to you, but the fear that blazed within Denzel's gaze made me realise that I still had a small, damaged piece of it remaining.

To see a child regard you with such an expression, to see him burst into tears and sobs at the very sight of you, and to watch as he runs to hide and protect himself from you... Aranis, how did you expect me to stay after that? I love children, yet I cannot have any of my own... But still, ridden with hatred and bewilderment, I have destroyed every child I have come across, one way or another. Do you remember when Johanna was stolen? That was me, trying in vain to get her back. I just wanted a child, and she was given to me before she was even born. She was mine first...

And although I was not yours first, you were mine first...

I tried and succeeded in making an age reversal device in hope that you would want me again... Want me more. What I am now is obviously not good enough. Unfortunately, when my laboratory in Heaven was raided by Hell's allies and residents, it was stolen. My laboratory now lies in ashes, as I soon shall. There is no more hope.

I cannot see myself having a future on this Earth, and I especially cannot envision a future with you... Not a healthy one, anyway, or a long-lived one. Can you think to yourself, for my sake, why that is?

Why can I not have any thing that I want the very most? Or am I simply too blinded and shallow to keep trying? That can't be, though... I do not tire easily, but I now wish to be laid down to sleep for eternity...

Aranis, I am sorry- but I can no longer take being a slave to haunting dreams of innocent eyes. I love you, and I will forevermore, no matter where I may go... But I am not worthy... Not enough... Ruined... And unchanging for the better. It is better if I do not stick around...

Farewell, my love.

                                        -Gabriel Dae Keehl.


Sebastian's Letter to Ciel

To my dearest Ciel,

                          I regret having to inform you that something dire has come up in the nether regions of Hell, and I need you (or at least someone you find worthy) to watch over the Palace and Manor for me- and yes, that includes the people. Make sure to give Nemo lots of work, he tends to get himself hurt when he is bored. Unless, of course, you want him hurt, then take a picture so I can get a laugh out of it when I return.

I am unaware of how long I may be absent, but I presume it should be a little under two weeks. Please, be a good boy for me and inform the family of those listed below that they are safe with me:

Malphas
Luca
Johanna
Lachrimae
L
Sascha
Nameless
Dyfri

...Oh, it's nothing too important, for now, anyway. No worries...When I am not quite so preoccupied, I shall write you again with more details regarding this particular situation. I am afraid I must finsh this letter prematurely... I will try my hardest to get back to you very soon.

                                                          Love,
                                                                     Sebastian.

P.S. Please feed Megara and Styx (my cat) while I am gone. And please, please, do not kill or let them get killed somehow. Thank you.

Keaira's Letter to Cambion

                  Dear Cambion,

                                                   I'm really sorry to have left on such short notice, but I've decided to make room for some much needed... mother/son bonding time, with Caru. I'm also sorry I didn't even invite you.

He just seems very depressed lately, and I am extremely concerned about him.

I am taking him to the month-long summer festival in Hell, and we will stay there for about two weeks. Don't worry- I'll behave myself. I hope all the festivities will lift his spirits some, because, to be frank, seeing him so upset reminds me of the very last days I spent with Claude. I don't know what I would do if I lost Caru, as well.

I don't know why he is this horribly upset. I doubt it is just because of Aranis (though I can understand why that may be reasonable. Can't you?). Maybe I'll find out at some point. I give it... a 70% chance that I will. You can never quite tell with Caru.

Please do behave yourself while I am gone, and be nice to the other kids (*coughLachcough*) unless, of course, the other kids want to kick your butt, then you can do whatever you please to stop them. Also, you should kick Aranis in the crotch for me, and I will do whatever you want me to when I return. Promise.

I'll write again soon,

                                          Love and gay kisses (No, really.),

                                                                       ~Keaira.

Caru 


What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
I know this isn't much but,
I know I could I could be better...

Denzel has finally returned from America, safely... with Aranis. Aranis with his... annoying flowy hair and the stupid eye patch and the stupid older person crap. Aranis who forces Denzel into a lot of situations without my knowing until it's already happened. Aranis who has gotten Denzel pregnant. Aranis who makes me look like the bad guy. 

No, but I guess I can't help feeling like that in general, anyway. 

When I returned from Heaven, I would cry if left alone, and go racing through the manor until I found company. Ever since Denzel left for America, though, all I've wanted is to be alone. As much as I love him, and my mother, Nemo... I feel distant from them. I don't mean to feel distant, and I don't want to alone, really, I don't think... But I have no friends. Even Echo doesn't count, she is more like a big sister to me. No one ever comes around, asking for Caru. It is always either, "Oh, hi Caru. Have you seen Denzel?" or "Have you seen Nemo?". No, I'm not jealous, I just feel insignificant  and forgotten a lot. 

After being raped, I had Nameless, Mum, Denzel, and Echo around to help me deal with it all. I got hugs and cuddles and words of reassurance. How could I want more than that? I should be thankful... I don't want to be a burden to the few people who I know consider me... So I'll leave them alone. Not that that even makes much sense if I don't want to lose them... but I feel so sad lately that I just don't really care. Negative energy is contagious... I wonder if this is how my father felt before he died... 

...How long does it take storm clouds to dissipate? 

Gabriel 

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

My only hope,
All the times I've tried
My only peace,
To walk away from you
My only joy,
My only strength,
I fall into your abounding grace
My only power,
My only life,
And love is where I am
My only love.

Nameless was indeed correct when he said there is no such thing as nothing- as not existing- as resting in peace. 

There is no escape from life. 

I am half human, and so my soul was tried, and I was condemned to Hell for all of the corruption I am responsible for. Sebastian promised my father that he would not torture me, but it is torture now that I crave. I deserve to suffer, for I have been nothing but selfish- that is what Johanna told me Aranis wanted to say. She doesn't have my necklace any more...

Without the torture I so crave, existing (for you cannot really call this "living") in Hell is dull and dreadful. I can go where I please if a guard (this is often Dyfri) supervises me, and I can wander aimlessly around every nook and cranny Hell has to offer. I suppose the best part, really, are the hateful gazes the demons shoot at me when I pass them by, and I smirk... Isn't this what I wanted, after all? 

Aranis wanted me for nothing more than companionship and sex. If he loved me, why would he do such things so early on? When he did them, did he even consider how I would feel if I found out? And I found out every time. I gave and trusted him with my heart, and now I haven't one, because it is his, and he has maltreated it. There is no reason to care any more- I feel nothing, and I shouldn't, anyway. Now I can continue making mistakes, and I know I will not regret them. 

Someone, please, come torture me before I am driven utterly insane...

Nameless- The Last Day of Gabriel

Depression is a selfish state of being, Gabriel. If that is so, what does that make suicide? Beyond selfish. But you are not beyond selfish, thanks to me...

Depression occurs when a person feels out of place in the world: They may have lost loved ones. They may have witnessed or experienced inhumane things. The may be suffering heartbreak. They may suffer from regret of past actions. Or they may just be lonely.

And time shall drag on for them, slowly, but quickly enough for the little white clouds in the blue sky to turn black and sullen with rain and storm. Depression occurs when one loses their place, and strays from their true path of fate.

People will go out of their way to provide charity for others, but the truth in life is that- the meaning of life is to discover oneself; One cannot be a stranger to themselves, lest they become hollow and lack meaning. One cannot travel through life wondering "Who am I?" and expect constant happiness and peace of mind.

Hell, no one can expect constant happiness and peace of mind, but when you dwell on that fact, you become depressed. Life is all about survival of the fittest- people strive to get to the top, even if it means sacrificing others. When a person loses determination to survive they are thrown to the bottom of the mass population and they are crushed like some disgusting insect.

Look at that simile again: Like an insect. Why not "like a person?" Because people are not made to be crushed (not to say that insects are, either, but I assume you get the point).

When a person becomes crushed... well, they sit on a bench in a sleepy old park with lighting akin to a Burtonesque film with an empty black suitcase, and they stare off with the lifeless, glazed moonstones that should only be possessed by those who have passed on. The lamp ahead glows a soft yellow before flickering for a good twenty seconds, and then giving out. The fog waltzes across the dehydrated grass, aimlessly and uncertainly, in a manner that implies a great struggle of the mind (and of course, fog is mindless). Why does this scene look so familiar to me?

Months ago, I looked like the angel upon that dull, wooden bench. It was his father who had come to my rescue and made me rise from my seat, so that I may go in search of new hope. But how could I offer hope to Gabriel, after all he had done?

The child was born and given away because his parents did not want him. He was left (and I cannot remember the order...) in the Trancy gardens and found by Cambion and Jazebel, his half-sister. Jazebel, by order of her master, Cambion, burned the solitary word "Vermin" into the infant's side. He was taken in by Malphas and Alois and raised with Luca. Beneath the manor, the child grew and developed a scientific laboratory, where he would invent endless contraptions out of boredom. By twelve, he had a job at a bakery on the east end, where he met and was rejected by his father. He also met Aranis- a son of my king- and had relations with him, gradually falling in love. He moved into an apartment with Aranis and aged to sixteen...

Aranis quite likes children, and I should know, because he has taken advantage my my own son, Denzel, before, and I shall never forgive him for that. Aranis would go between children, Keaira, and who knows what else... And then there was Gabriel, who had once said "I don't want you to love me; just use me as you will." regretting his words.Tensions would tighten between he and Aranis, and he would leave, and return, then leave again... Only to return, of course.

Last time Gabriel left Aranis, it was in a vengeful huff, and the hatred for both demons and humans had, like poison ivy, come to wrap itself around the angel's heart in a smothering embrace. It made him itch for revenge (no pun intended, hence the poison ivy). He was rejected by all whom he had come to love, rejected or betrayed: His mother, father, sister, brother, lover, boss (he got fired at some point, I believe), tc. Bet he was even betrayed by Ajax. I suppose the only people who supported him were Malphas, Luca, and Alois- who are all annoyances and obviously were not of much help. Geez, what a tragedy.

Overcome by his hatred, Gabriel took charge of Heaven's angels and led them to war with Hell. With a virus he developed and released on earth, he wiped out a forth of the human population- also about the same amount of devils were killed off, as well. Approximately sixteen demons were captured and imprisoned in Heaven- two of those devils include Caru and Nemo- Denzel's boyfriend and son (also my grandson). Caru was raped at a max of thirty times by the guards who kept watch over him. At thirteen, he is now severely  traumatized. Nemo was experimented on and was sick for about a week after he was freed by Johanna, the only angel I will admit that I like.

When the war met its end, Gabriel, twenty, basically turned himself in to Sebastian, but was bailed out by Aranis. The  pair fled to the U.S. and ended up in Texas where they resided for a few weeks in peace, before Aranis decided it would be a good idea to kidnap Denzel and bring him over for a visit.

Denzel, of course, was terrified of Gabriel after learning all that he had done, and Gabriel left the house (and Denzel and Aranis alone together, damn him!) in hopes of making my son feel more comfortable.From what I understand, he promised Aranis he would return.

He did keep that promise, you see...

He looked up at me, from the bench, his fingers running through his hair and his dull eyes suddenly taking on the appearance of misery- the same look you could get from a little dog at the pound who can't seem to find a good home, and keeps getting returned and sent back to the same old hell hole. Is that what I looked like?

We acknowledged each other by saying the other's name, and I made my way over with a smirk and ill-intent; the closer I got to him, the more I could feel that pitiful energy that he was giving off, and I loved it. He wanted to die, and the smirk I possessed formed because I knew this. Death is a lie; this I know. And it would be for him, as well.

He would then quickly proceed to ask me to kill him, and I agreed without any questions. He should have been dead weeks ago, already, and he could sense my amusement, although he could not guess what I thought was so funny. I did not want to deal with Aranis coming after me, however, nor did I want Denzel to figure out what I had done. Gabriel suggested that I made it look like a suicide, because at least the theory would be believable.

I have no problem with committing murder, as I possess no fingerprints, and virtually no individual DNA; if you were to run a strand of my hair or a sample of my saliva through a scanner of some sort, it would not be able to identify me; but instead take on the identity of a person near me. So, let's say, if I left a strand of hair behind at the scene after killing Gabriel- if tested, it would be identified as his hair. Lucky me, hm?

That aside... Gabriel led me to his and Aranis's house on the outskirts of the town and then into his room (why he has a room separate from Aranis, I fail to understand). His death was a boring one- he was silent and did not appear to be in any pain. I clawed a hole in his chest and set his heart aflame, and he crumpled to the floor like a wooden puppet and continued to burn in the silence. All that trouble to kill an angel, and he doesn't even complain the tiniest bit. If anything, he was probably planning his death anyway, and my guess is that his little suitcase is not at all empty. That suitcase is now in Sebastian's possession, and only he and Johanna know what its contents are.

Demons and Angels have their own sort of soul; if they "die", they are usually sent to what is called Utopia; the promised land, the final resting place of all that has ever existed. However- due to Gabriel's past actions, his judgement was passed by Sebastian.

Between Utopia and Hell, I am certain we can all guess where that angel resides... He has now taken on the appearance of his soul in all its misery and if he can be identified, I'll be damned.

I am aware that the details of Gabriel's death that I have given have been quite vague- but if you do want to know more, I'll be glad to tell you- If you can figure out what I have done, that is~

He'll show up again eventually, for this is only the mark of a new beginning...

Nameless

I live now only for my children: Bambi, Denzel, and Dyfri, and for no other reason.

Romantic love, I have come to believe, does not last forever, because forever is a very long time. But the love a mother has for her (or his) children is of the undying sort. The love for another person romantically, however, always does die in time- particularly if you happen to fall in love with a dumbass or a human, or both.

Do pardon my language.

My mother did not have the time to raise me, so much as give me a name. I am sure that in some way he cared about me- but it does not matter now. He would come and go as he pleased, and I was left to my father and Skye...

What bugs me now is that Skye has all a person could ask for when he does not deserve it. He has a handsome, loving husband, and two beautiful children with that man. He is loved, yet he goes off and sleeps with me anyway- Note that he does not remember who I was. He talked for me for five minutes and then started making moves on me. How am I the whore? I started nothing. I just agreed to help him become miserable. If not for our children together or Elias, I would kill him, and make him so miserable that he would have to fade. But Elias deserves no more misery- and certainly not the kind that I suffered through.

He was never the "bad guy", stealing Skye away from me. It was all Skye. I am still hoping that Elias can change him, make him realise that what he does is wrong. It upsets me when he does stupid things because he tends to hurt others while doing them. I would like him to actually learn how to think things through. That would make me so happy, perhaps happy enough to drag me out of this depression that I cannot ever seem to escape.

I suppose I am a whore, though- ...At this point, I will sleep with anyone, just for a kick, because to love, or make love, is utter bullshit. Who will come to me next?

Keaira

...I have not seen anyone but Echo and Johanna in the past... five days. I don't even know where Cambion is, and I am getting more lonely than horny. I hate this time of year. He is probably avoiding me. It's unfair. I want to cuddle him. I'm going to cry. I hate suffering alone. I hate being alone! Damn it. Cambionnnnnn. Where are youuuu? Dx I need... alone time... with youuuu... Please? D:

Johanna

Mum dyed my hair black. I came across Nemo yesterday, and he failed to recognise me. I was rather hoping it would remain that way, but it didn't. I have never met someone so infuriating as he, but I think I am doing a better job between the two of us of being annoying, which, for me, is good. I honestly don't care what he thinks. He speaks bullshit quite fluently- I think I will have a talk with Denzel about his lying habits. I would love to see Nemo get told off, he really is such a chld (then again, he was raised by children). He calls me a pest, because I am a dragon fly. The only pest I am aware exists is him.

I am currently working on a top secret case... It really feels quite cheesy working as a special agent, but I suppose someone has to do it. It also is quite entertaining, anyway, so I am not really complaining... Perhaps I will be allowed to share details sooner or later.

I wonder how Levi is doing? Last I heard, he is with Eliphas... Not that I mind. I can understand that. I think I will go see him again soon... I wonder if he will recognise me?

Sebastian

Nemo gave me a kitten. So now I have two babies to take care of- and one more name to choose. I hope I am able to attend work tomorrow because this spending all day laying around and doing nothing is really quite irritating. Perhaps I will get Denzel to babysit for me as long as he refrains from dressing Nikola up like a girl...

Ulixes came to be the other day in tears- I had always noticed that there was a place on his face that looked as if there were eyes just dying to be revealed, and now they have been... I never thought he would actually have any (and I wonder if the ones he had on the palms of his hands are still there?). That aside, he told me that Riley had tried to commit suicide. I will have to have a serious talk with that idiot soon...

Nemo says my facial features are cute. I do not approve. I wonder what Ciel thinks? I will have to ask him later... Speaking of which, the day I delivered Nikola, he suggested that he and I be "swingers". I didn't answer him. I figured he would ask this question eventually- but this seems a bit sudden. Perhaps we should test it out... But I really would rather not. I don't like anyone else touching him. He is mine. I worked too hard to make him mine. He is mine. I am far too possessive...

Good, then- what else should be expected of the devil, after all?~