Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations...
Hmm...
So I am momentarily on my flight back to Japan. It's pretty late at night- eh, two a.m.- and... everyone else onboard is asleep. Aside the baby an aisle across from me. He has big black eyes and golden locks... He really reminds me of a certain somebody.
All there is to be heard is the humming of my laptop and the snoring of a man four aisles down, and the plane engines. The sky is nice from this point of view with the stars spilled out like shards of diamonds... It's really beautiful out there.
And it's dark in here, where I am forced captive.
Say what you need to say, Say what you need to say...
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Mello paid me a visit yesterday. Until then, he had been spending less and less time with me. He's lost about three years of his memory and forgot just whose doorstep he was sitting on, looking for chocolate. Even before he had arrived, I found myself irritated. Why do things have to be this way?
I opened the door and prodded him with an inquisitive foot, and startled, he let a small scream escape and whipped out his gun. Yet he let it drop at the sight of me, his pigmentation going pale.
For a long while, I stared back at him, then drew my hands into the shape of a gun. "Bang." I said.
And that's all it took.
"L? ...Am I seeing things?"
"No. I'm pretty sure I'm me. Unless I'm Kira, but I highly doubt that."
He threw himself at me, his lovely gaze brimming with crystalline tears. "Oh my God! Where have you beenb? I haven't seen you since I was 17... So, 2 years ago?"
I cannot tell you how difficult I found it to restrain from hugging him back. It was... simply torture. I uttered a quick apology as he pulled away, smiling so, so sweetly.
"I'm just happy you're here! Oh, god. I was talking to Riley about you today. FYI- You're coming to my wedding."
I clenched my jaw, my heart sinking low into a bottomless pit... Or perhaps, that was just my stomach. I am quite aware my stomach is a bottomless pit...
"Ah, God! L Lawliet. Back. In England. Wait till the boys hear about this!" he said. "Who ever thought of me and marriage?"
...He just seemed too damn happy. It made a knot form in my stomach and I was quite certain my eyes were turning green...
Ahem. As I was saying, I was having a serious case of de ja vu. It really hurt... He's forgotten everything now. Gabriel, Jazebel, and now me. Well, what he and I had... I don't know- no, I can't blame him, even if he made that damned contract without my consent. I fell in love with him. I should have known better. I was never meant to be loved.
I'm L.
Do you know what people mean when they posistion a hand in the shape of an L?
Loser.
That's me, all right.
There is nothing left for me. Everyone is gone. I lost my son- he's dead- and my fiance -he's trapped in his past. Everyone else thinks I'm dead. So I've left England and am headed back to Japan, to start anew.
Watch that go downhill, too.
There is nothing left...
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
So I suppose I'll have to close this now. I'm emotionally drained. I don't want to stay awake, because I'll be allowed to think. Yet I don't want to sleep, because... I'll dream of you, Mello.
I love you. But this is the one thing I can't fix... Because I'm not that great nor that capable. Not even now... I'm not God. I don't know what to do. I haven't any idea. I feel so stupid.
I feel like I've failed you. Maybe that's because I have... There's nothing I can do but move on.
I hope, Mister Mihael Keehl, that you live the remainder of your life in pure bliss. Don't you cry because you are loved. You are not the uselessness I know you believe you are.
You are so much more than that...
And I'm sorry I had to play the coward in this and abandon you.
It is a selfish act. Maybe my love has never been enough.
I suppose it never will be.
But you won't ever know the difference now.
Nothing matters anymore. Not really...
I'm going to sleep now. Maybe in the morning, I'll feel better. I don't want to live forever in the black. Depression is stupid. I won't become some weird hermit and close up my heart.
Life is for enjoying. Especially if you have to live forever...
Good-bye, Mello. I love you.
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say, say what you need say
Say what you need to say, say what you need to say...
"Say" by John Mayer
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