In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind...
In this world, mistakes are made so often that if one sole being were to count all of the mistakes everyone makes even in the compressed time of one day, he would be God.
I will, right now, go ahead and tell you that everything that has happened is my own fault. I did this myself. I'm the bad person here.
Of course, however, let us strip all of that away from myself and reveal what lies within my heart.
Regret.
Oh, how I regret leaving my Ciel- my heaven. I cannot tell you how much I long for him. But I knew the sacrifices I would make by choosing to carry out my actions.
The sacrifices, yes. Perhaps, however, not all the consequences...
I have been staying in a hotel in London for a few days now. As luxurious as it is, it is nothing compared to the manor. It is spacious, as well, and at times, I will stand in the middle of it and look around at the sun-bleached white walls and the glistening tile flooring, and realise just how lonely it is there. White like sin. White like a blank slate. White like... emptiness.
In fact, yesterday, I was driven to the point where I felt ill from looking at it, grabbed my coat, and walked out. I needed some air.
Sometime later, on the streets of the west end, I bumped into a fimiliar face. Riley.
This, the Riley that fair made my bile rise. The Riley that so disgustingly tried to flirt with me whilst I was pregnant with Lecea. The Riley that thought he could just burst into my master's home and find himself a nice jar of peanut butter. Just like a rat, Riley. Vermin. Filth. A dirty whore.
When I saw him last evening, he was eating a chicken leg (for a change) on the side of the street, which he had apparently bought with his last bit of money, and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it. He looked up at me with that glazed over (with stupidity, no doubt) green gaze, and stared for just a moment before backing up a little. I had to force the smug smirk from my face... I intimidate him? My, my...
"You." I said. "You needn't be afraid any longer."
For a long moment, he just looked at me, his eyes stretched wide. "Why?"
"...Well, I'm not in the mood to harm anyone right now, is all." I lied. (Yes, I'll lie to rats, but never to my master nor a friend. That is against my aesthetics.)
"That's a first." Riley scoffed. He then stuck out his tongue and threw the bare chicken bone at me, striking me in the shoulder.
I kneeled down before him with a raised brow, and slaped a hand down on the patch of concrete adjacent to the boy's hips, and leaned closer. He flashed me a rather unamused expression.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
I then lifted my hand and showed Riley its palm. "There was a bug."
As I blowed it away, Riley contorted his ugly face. "Oh, gross. Go wash your hands... That's disgusting."
How utterly annoying... I removed my gloves and asked if such would suffice. And to tell the truth, glimpsing down at my left hand, I wondered, "Where the bloody hell is my seal?"
I rememebered, and immidiately, a knot of mixed feelings twisted itself about in my stomach. I felt I would be sick as my heart sank. It was Riley's voice that brought me out of my pathetic state of mind again.
"...Yeah. That's fine, whatever. Why do I care?"
So many times I had heard that, and it angered me. I played it off emotionlessly, keeping my composure. "Why do you? It was merely an insect." I batted my lashes innocently.
"Yeah, and bug guts are gross." He shoved me away. "I don't want someone being so close to me with bug hands."
"...My. I'm "gross?""
"...Very."
He probably didn't notice, but at this point, I had been struggling to vent my anger and my hand had pressed so hard against the ground below that it was beginning to crack.
"It's fine." I sat up and looked away from him, seething. "Insult me. It's nothing new."
He stared right back up at with with a shrug. "Oh, but I do like your hair. What's up with you? Why aren't you back at that big mansion thing?"
I was not about to discuss this, to him, especially. I made sure to shoot him a glare of death, so as to intimidate him further. "...That shouldn't matter to you."
He pouted. "I'm just curious, jeez... You're an idiot. I deserve to know things."
Idiot. I hated that just as much as the "I don't care." And I most certainly was not about to tolerate it.
"Idiot. Tch." I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begininning to prickle in irritation. "You're one to speak, Riley."
"I'm an idiot, yes." He retaliated bluntly. "A sexy idiot."
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I gave up on him. What a worthless waste of time...
"And I am just... nothing." I muttered miserably. Riley's gaze ceased to stray from me. I couldn't tell if I really did just have attention from him, or if he was just wary I might harm him yet again.
"Dude, seriously, what's up? You wanna talk about something?"
"No. I don't."
To this, he didn't respond, and so I continued, something genuinely stupid snapping in my mind. I glanced at him, noticing he looked just a tad bit tackier than he had since Mister Lawliet had bought him a penthouse out of pure generousity. I automatically knew what this meant.
He was broke, and might just whore himself to obtain even a pound of currency.
"Riley," I said. "You look like you need money, yes?"
"Uh, kinda, yeah. Why?"
Crouching down, I took his chin with a hand and ensured he was looking me straight in the eyes. "...If you do me a favour, I will pay you a significant amount."
Thank goodness even this idot knew what I meant by "favour." Unforunately, he flat out rejected me, which annoyed me even further.
"I don't think so, man. Not you."
"Oh? ...I see. I'm simply not good enough for anyone nowadays." Not even my own Ciel...
"Nah, that's not what I'm saying... I mean, you're... really fucking scary."
"I am not." I sighed. "I'm just pathetic."
Raising a brow, he uttered. "Yeah, you're acting pathetic right now. If ya want him back or somethin', then... just, not be pathetic?"
"...I'd rather suffer, alone, knowing that he could be free of the devil who so fouly corrupted him... Myself."
I had now gained his sympathy without even using manipulation. This was the truth. He crawled over and rested his head on the same shoulder he had previously hit with the chicken bone.
"That's sad."
"It's my fault... So much of it, all his pain and misery..." I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling very hopeless. I missed him so much...
"Well, I dunno what's goin' on, but I'm sure you're both wrong about a lot of things."
"I miss him very much... But I must endure this."
He seemed almost shocked. "Endure... no love or sex?"
"It's difficult. The loving bit especially. I would cry if I had any tears left. But I suppose I haven't the right to."
"And what will sex with me do to help any of that? Don'cha think it would make your love even angrier?"
I didn't care. No, I didn't care if it upset Ciel, because... I don't know why. What was going on with me? What... It hurt me quite a bit... I didn't necessarily want this myself, but... if I could just imagine...
"I want him to hate me." I stated. "Such would be the ultimate punishment for which I am worthy of."
Riley sunk his teeth into my shoulder. "What if he doesn't wanna hate you?"
"Owch... Then I'll just have to make him."
"Make him hate you? How?"
"I'm a demon. Such a thing would not be difficult..."
"Oh, cool. Whatever."
"Without him, I am just what I once was. But much weaker..."
I was now losing his attention, for, he began to sing.
"Under the sea... You'll find it better down where it's wetter, under the sea!~"
I proceeded to tell him not to make it sound so kinky, and that I was not a crab (Hence, The Little Mermaid's "Sebastian".) We continued for a bit with idle talk and singing, which only made me lose interest even sooner.
In the end, I had my way with him. I didn't know who disgusted me more. Him or myself...
"Er... Crab? What are you doing?"
"...You."
"...Nah, that's... that's not right."
"And why not?"
"Because, I don't want it. G-get off of me."
"It's not worth the money, then?"
"No. It's... It's not. C-c'mon, man, stop it."
"That's it, struggle..."
"N-no. Stop, get off of me... I'm gonna call the fuzz!"
"...No one uses that term anymore, kid. Shut up."
"Agh! I swear-!"
"You dare question my actions, human?"
I-I, no, stop it! Your little lover boy's going to be a-angry...!"
"He doesn't fucking care anyway! He just wants me for sex, dammit! Actually, he doesn't even want my sex anymore! He'd prefer to molest our children behind my back or use toys! What am I fucking good for anymore?!"
"At the moment, I don't really care! Aaaeee! Get. Out. Of. Me. Now!"
Riley began to cry. I will admit I wanted to as well. But anger and agony are more pleasing than misery, I though, and so I only continued harder, evil, twisted laughs escaping from my mouth with my needle-sharp fangs bared.
Riley kept right on sobbing. "I never did anything w-wrong to you...!"
I slammed my fists into the wall I had him pinned up against, and trembled. I had to stop myself from clinging to him. I felt so desperate and pathetic. I just wanted my Ciel... My only, only, only one...
I let a stifled sigh escape, on the verge of tears, and said "...Suit yourself." I shoved him to the ground, and tossed a bag of money down at him.
"I-I... That was..." Then Riley whimpered, grabbed the bag, and darted off.
When he was gone and I was all alone in the rank alleyway, I sunk to the ground, and I sobbed because I could no longer help myself.
Mello had told me I wasn't a monster. What a lie.
"Mine, forever and eternally, my lord..."
"The only one I want to make love to is my young master..."
"Did you know that sometimes it hurts me when you reject me like that?"
And what the Hell have I managed to learn? I call Ciel the thick-skulled one. This makes me the ultimate hypocrite.
I remember so clearly now.
The moon may be pretty but it cannot be trusted. It is false; it's reasssurance is a lie. It is always changing, always disappearing-
But eventually, it reappears, does it not?
When the sun bids the moon to evanese, the sky is left alone in the dark. The night sky is left empty in the shadows. Dark and barren... like nothing. Just a pitch black nothingness.
But though the moon may disappear, it is never fully gone. It is always there, even when you cannot see it...
"But in the end, he'll return.. because he belongs to the sky."
The question is...
Will the moon be welcome?
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