Sebastian's Blog- For the Heart I Once Had, For Love, and For Hate...

It is...


seven fourty eight in the morning as I am typing up this blog.


All that surrounds me is this blue haze of light that seems to dance from out the hotel window, into the black darkness that had existed before the sun arose. There is nothing but the ticking of the clock, and the chattering of childrens' voices outside at the pool. If I close my eyes, and listen closely, I can imagine being back at the manor, lying in bed just in those precious moments of peace before Ciel wakes up, and rolls over to look at me with those softly glowing moonstones. And we can hear the harmonious laughter of our children outside... Our youngest ones in particular; Lecea, who is ten, and Esperanza and Eiri, who are three. How I love them...

There will be no doubt I am going to miss them all terribly. As a matter of fact, as I was leaving last night, our eldest, Lachrimae, tried to stop me. But despite even that, I was not about to give into his pleads. In the end, I slammed the door in his face and left.


That was probably the worst display of parenting I have ever presented, and though I am not proud of it, I must move on. This is only what I have asked for, after all.


The events of yesterday will haunt me perhaps for all eternity. But I knew from the very start what I was getting into, and what I wanted, even if I was far past drunk and in a state of subconcious mind.


What started out as a nice, friendly afternoon with Mello gradually began to take a turn for the worse, drink after drink after drink. Right out of the bottle like an uncivilized viking or something of the sort.


I never do this...


We somehow ended up on a sofa, and I began to contemplate... Mello said something I must have found insulting, and I pinned him down firmly below myself and snarled at him a bit. My viciousness was soon transformed into sheer seduction, because my mind must have dubbed it a rather good idea.


It has become clear that I am losing my conscience.


The rest is a blur to me. From what I can remember, Mello had attempted to leave before the situation given could get any worse, but I- albeit in demon form- dragged him straight back into the manor with a possessive grasp, and of all things, I handcuffed him to the steel coffee table and bid that he be welded there until I was done toying with him.


I took a firm hold of his ankles- he had been squirming prior, but at this action, he froze over and stared at me with eyes wide as saucers- and I thought "What actions would provoke Ciel the most?"


With every struggle and cry Mello gave, I inched closer, staring at a bite wound on his neck he had claimed I'd given him minutes before. Yet I could not remember having done this, so I ignored it and decided to listen to what else he had to say.


Our words in the form of harsh whispers would bounce off the bare walls and marble floors of the manor house, comebacks following such a pattern, and they shot through the static-shocked air as if they were bullets.


"Your kind is a delicacy to me. You, to me, are but food and a sex toy." Yes, that's it, create a diversion.


"Friend? Ha! Expectations of being respectable, and granting respect back? My, my... How very foolish of you. Having any expectations for a devil? That's a joke, correct?"


This really hadn't a thing to do with Mello himself. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and henceforth became my poor, unfortunate victim. I was drunk, irritated, and ambitious.


I finished soon enough and set Mello free.


Then I stared at my mess on the floor adjacent to the table, a smirk creeping across my lips.


What am I looking to accomplish, exactly? Oh, I know just what...


When Ciel entered upon this stage I had set up, he seemed to step immediately over to where the coffee table was, and he stared directly at the gift I had left just for him.


"How did this happen?" he asked me, not even bothering to let his gaze drift from the mess.


"Oh. Well... I raped a weak link." I smiled.


"You what?"


"I raped Mello."


Ciel turned on a heel so that he could stare at me. "Why on Earth would you do that?!"


"He was in the wrong place at the wrong time."


"You're saying... it could've been anyone?" And by now, I could tell, he was growing immensely pestered.


"More or less."


And then he shot me a gaze of complete shock and horror and confusion. He bit down hard on his lip and I grinned devilishly as his facial pigmintation reddened in fury.


"Why-?!"


He told me this so frequently, that I wanted to tell him now: "...You're over reacting."


Ciel took a step back, away from me, his eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment. I had betrayed him, and, oh, the amusement as I noticed him trembling...! It was simply delicious.


"Over reacting?! Sebastian! How dare you even- Ugh!"


Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian...!

"...A dog. You named me after a dog. How I hate this name." I muttered under my breath. "Yes, over reacting indeed."


"Nothing. You respect nothing I do for you, whether it be on a boat, or even giving you a name!You say I'm ungrateful, you ignorant hypocrite!" Ciel snarled in retaliation, fumbling with the wedding band that fit so perfectly on his long, skinny finger.


I noticed and only wanted more. I wanted him to snap.


"Yes, yes. Finally, the words I have been waiting to hear for such a long time now..."


And he did.


He slipped off the golden ring and tossed it directly at my feet, his expression infalliable.


"Here, take that back, too. I've got no use for it anymore."


I suppose I must have come to, if even, just slightly, then. For I said to him, "This is for the better, You'll be better off without me. You know this."


"Better, yes. Get out, now." He pointed to the door, and so I did as I was told and advanced on it.


I knew he had his back turned to me, as always, even if I could not see him.


"You'll be safe now, and happy. That's all I wanted for you. Yet I could never...- So I had to make you hate me, you see. So very much..."


It was then that Lachrimae came bolting into the room (I am guessing he must have been spying) and attempted to stop me. This is when I slammed the door on his face, and left.


***


What has become of us now, my only love?

What but a negative situation can mae you understand, if even, just a little bit?


My logic, to you, must seem genuinely insane. But I truly am insane, after all. We all are, really.


Ciel, my love, I have to be selfish. I will not be returning. I cannot continue on like this.


One hundred and twenty-five years, if my math is correct. That is how long we have known each other. The words in my last post hold true. I have scrutinized over raising you correctly, and yet, I will be frank. I am not satisfied with the results. Where did I go wrong, I wonder? I suppose I really cannot take all the credit, but I do blame myself. You will not talk to me. If something is bothering you, you will bottle it up and then go sneak alcohol, and drink yourself silly. I remember when I caught you smoking weed of all things, and I was not proud. Why would you do such a thing? Is it my fault?


I have come to the conclusion that it really is. I am to blame.


What have I done to you? My master, on our faithful day, I did warn you of the consequence of being contracted to a demon and selling off your soul to Satan. Now everybody knows why.


But as the contract is now void, as it shall be forevermore, I have decided to free you. In the long run, the feelings you may have for me will drift away. There will be less pain. If you, the almighty Ciel Phantomhive, do indeed feel pain. You are so stoic at times, I honestly do not feel as if we were married. You have grown so accustomed to me being your servant, however, that I cannot come to blame you.


I only wish I had done a better job. I have failed you, my lord, and I am gravely sorry.


I want you to grow to hate me. Or just simply forget me. I would much rather you not dwell. I fell in love with you and forced you into all of this, without so much as letting you think.

And because I love you... this makes sense to me.

I need to be away from you now so that you may accomplish all that I know you are capable of and grow to be independent. There will be no more of my to restrain you nor to rely on.


If you come after me, I will but push you away. So I beg of you- do not. Leave things as they are. Though I doubt you would be foolish enough to come crawling to me.


I will watch over you, to ensure your safety, as I always have tried to do.


And do not think I remain oblivious to my flaws. I am quite aware of them. I appreciate you, know that. I appreciate every little thing you do for me, whether it be purchasing that boat, or attempting to bake me that cake. I cannot tell you how immensely grateful I am when I know you are thinking of me. It warms me to the core and sends shivers down my spine... I am the happiest devil in all existence to have been given your love.

But that's over now.


I belong in the farthest reaches of Hell. There is a reputation I must regain along with my rank in the hierachy. I am a suffering, ravenous spirit who craves souls to torment. I am being driven mad by starvation.


Nonetheless...


Sicut cor meum, salva custodiret. Ego amplius non indigere. Pertinet ad te, et tantum. Aeternitas.
Amo te, O Ciel. Tu mihi caelum. At ego sane a diabolo. Delictorum meorum non potest esse satisfactum. Paradisum amissum est ad me adhuc. Et iterum mea electa est.


Donec nec erat cor aliquando, tamen adhuc id agnoscunt

Amo te.

Valete.

-He who hasn't a name.